PN 6161 
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Copy 1 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



021 100 910 P 










Class EN&JAL. 

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COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



A BUNCH OF URNS 



3sxx 



-AJSTD 



RARE BITS OF HUMOR 



<An Original Collection of After-dinner 
Stories, Humorous Anecdotes and Side- 
splitting yokes, Contributed by the 
Leading Humorists of the 
Vaudeville Stage 

TO WHICH IS ADDED 

A Selection of Convivial Toasts 

Compiled and arranged by 

F. J. CAHILL 

Comedian 



CAREY-STAFFORD COMPANY 

NEW YORK NEW ORLEANS 

63 5th Avenue 319 Carondelet Street 



c 



LIBRARY of CONGRESS 
Two Cooies Received 

APR 6 1906 

Copyright Entry 
CLASS />> XXc, No, 

copy"b/ 



^y 



Copyright 1906 
By CAREY-STAFFORD CO, 



CAUTION . 

As most of the matter in this bock is 
original, or obtained by special permis- 
sion, publishers and compilers are re- 
spectfully cautioned against using same 
without written permission. 



CONTENTS. 



A Bashful Beau 17 ^ 

A Business Transaction 44 

A Cheap Peed 80 

A Complete Give-Away 79 

A Domestic Tragedy 59 

A Fast Horse 35 

A Good Suggestion 106*--" 

A Group of Swedish Jokes 78 

A Hint to Lovers 115 if 

A Lucky Turkey 20 

A Misunderstanding 109 

A Modest Maid (Poetry) 8Q 

A Narrow Escape. 46'/. 

An Explanation 18 * 

A New Disease 86 

A New Name fot It 128 

A New Way to Get Money 62 

An Odd Specimen : 89 

Another Kind of a Cat 87 

An Unfortunate Affair 117 

A Piano Doctor 71 

A Seance of Forgetfulness 129 

A Slip 29 

A Smart Kid 125 

A Story of a Kiss 48 

A Truthful Verdict 21 

At the Ball 71 

A Summer Idyl (Poetry) 66 

A Sure Winner 64 

A Yankee at the Theatre 41 

Banana Peel, The (Poetry) 15 

Band Was Always There, The 81 

Bangs That Caught On 124 

Barrymore's Fear 147 

Bill-Berries 99 

Both Gone 8 

Breaking Up a Monopoly 12 

But One Billy Birch 43 

Casey's Discovery 47 



Rare- Bits of Humor. 



Casey in London 23 

Changeable Mails 144 

Cheap fob Cash 90 

Cheek 47 

clbcumstantial evidence 4 . . 8 

Close Quabtebs 110 

Complete Stock 96 

Convivial Toasts 150i 

Cobbecting a Mistake 132 

Delay is Dangebous 74 

Delicately Done 130 

Didn't Even Keep Lent 100 

Didn't Find Heb Honey 26 

DOCTOB AND THE MONKEY, THE 19 

Efficacy of the Countersign, The 138 

Equivalent 36 

Paib Gbaduate, The 105 

Filled a Want 113 

Fly Soup 50 

Followed the Pbescbiption 102 

Fbench Fun 58 

Fbom Pillab to Post 123 

Fbom Sole to Uppeb 62 

"F\VAS WOLLEN SlE HABEN?" 61 

Good Reason 87 

"Got Him Dak" 56 

Had Good Reasons 73 

Have Met Befobe 92 

He Called Chauncey 14 

He Caught the Egg 25 

He Got the Job 53 

He Knew What Was What ^ijt 

Heb Top Sheet 51^ 

He Was Posted 142 

He Was Right Tfr 

He Wobked the Boss 79 

His Chabge 93 

His Good Luck 58 

His Own Gbandfatheb 143 

His Reason 115 

His Remedy 63 



Rare- Bits of Humor. 



His Wife Was With Him 142 

"Hoch Der Kaiser" (Poetry) 28 

How a Woman Does It 84 

How to Get Rid of Him 136 

Hugging the Shore (Poetry) 45 

Hully Gee Sweet Marie (Poetry) 24 

In the Same Box 20 

Irish Bees 16 

Irish vs. German j34> 

Joker Is Now Missing, The 113 

Kisses by Mail 148 

Mildred Corrects Her Brother 99* 

Milky Way, The 22 

Miss Murray's Stories 97 

Mrs. Murphy's Sarcasm 31 

No Advantage 85 

"No Flies on Her" £07, 

No More Kissing 13*7" 

Norma Whalley's Parrot 41 

Not a Fast Color 88 

Not His Fault 60 

Observations 55 

Oh, Brace Up 94 

On the Stairs 112 

Order Cancelled 118 

Out of Sight 113 

O Woman, Lovely Woman 135 

Paddy Burns' Prisoner 127 

Paralyzing 37 

Partial Success 50' 

Patrick's Day on April 5 83 

Pat's Fear 65 

Pat's Reason Ill 

Pat's Seesaw 103 

Play Is On, The 68 

Precautionary Flattery 11 

Presence of Mind 69 

Pretty Maid, The (Poetry) 82 

Problem Solved in Sweden 33 

Provocation 73 

Punning ....,,,,,, 67 

5 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

Question in Grammar G7 

Religious Item 9S 

Removing Temptation 21 

Restriction Removed, The 70 

Retort Courteous, The 133 

Sauce for the Goose 91 

Scaled Vituperation 59 

Seeing Things (Poetry) 101 

She Got the Verdict 119 

She Married a Lord 134 

Spanish Love 65 

So Glad 120 

Sorter Sloopin' 13 

Steering Clear of Sin 104 

Such a Liar 57 

Sullivan and Albert Edward 114 

Suspicious 139 

Think 'Em Over 131 **v 

Toast, The 31 

To His Advantage 31 

Too Much for Him 140 

Too Much Mouth 35 

Vaccination in the Hub 75 

Wanted to Acquit Him 30 

What's in a Name? 7 

What Killed Him 144 

What Killed the Parrot C3 

Where He Was Great 146 

Which, What and Why 100 

Why Her Temper Was Bad 136 

Why She Was Salted (Poetry) 77 

William Goat, The 108 

With All Her Faults I Love Her (Poetry) 122 

Wonderful Prosperity 95 

Youthful Depravity 27 



6y ^y 



A BUNCH OF YARNS 

AND 

AFTER-DINNER STORIES. 



WHAT'S IN A NAME? 

An Irish soldier in a local regiment 
during the late war arrived at camp late one 
night. He was challenged with the usual 
"Who goes there?'' 

After pondering a few moments, and the 
challenge being repeated, and thinking he 
might avoid punishment, he answered: 

"Kitchener."' 

He was immediately knocked down with 
the butt end of a rifle. 

While he was on the ground ruefully rub- 
bing his head, the sentry exclaimed: 

"Why, it's Callaghan! What did ye say 
it was Kitchener for?" 

"Shure," came the answer, "when ye 
would do this to Kitchener, phwat would ye 
do to Callaghan?" 



CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE. 

Senator Depew at a lawyers' dinner talked 
about circumstantial evidence. Then he told 

this storv: 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

"A young and pretty girl had been out 
walking. 

"On her return her mother said: 

" 'Where have you been my dear V 

" 'Only walking in the park/ she replied. 

"'With whom? 7 pursued her mother. 

" 'No one, mama,' said the young girl. 

" 'No one ?' her mother repeated. 

" 'Then/ said the older lady, 'explain 
how it is that you have come home with a 
walking stick instead of an umbrella/ " 



BOTH GONE. 

The other night a merchant in a village 
in Ohio was discovered in his store at an 
unusually late hour, and, in reply to in- 
quiries, he said : 

"My confidential clerk is missing." 
"And what of it?" 

"Why, I'm looking over the books, but 
they seem to be all square." 
"Have you counted your cash?" 
"Yes, and it is correct to a dollar." 
"Looked over your bank book?" 
"I have, and it is satisfactory. That's 
the puzzle, you see. He's skipped, and I 
can't make out what for." 
8 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

"Been home since noon?" 

"No." 

"Perhaps he has eloped with your wife." 

"Lands alive ! but it may be so ! If it is, 
then the puzzle will be solved." 

He hurried home, and it was so, and he 
felt a great anxiety off his mind. 



A DEAD HEAT. 

"What's the funniest thing I ever saw?" 
repeated the gentleman of sporting tenden- 
cies. "Well, I guess it was a dead heat in 
an event where there was only one entry." 

"How in the world was that ?" came from 
the other end of the store, and when the 
answer came, "A cremation," the questioner 
ordered the drinks. 



WELL POSTED. 

Jerry Simpson one day while eulogizing 
Daniel Webster referred in complimentary 
terms to his dictionary. A friend pulled 
Simpson's coat-tail and whispered, "Noah 
made the dictionary." Simpson gave him 
a scornful look and whispered back, "Noah 
built the ark." 

9 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 




HE KNEW WHAT WAS WHAT, 

ELL me 



'How did 
you manage to win 
her affections so 
quickly, Dan? The 
recipe's worth know- 
ing?" 

"Oh, that was 
simple enough," re- 
plied he. "The first 
night I arrived at 
the lodging house 
in Australia I found 
myself sitting next to a young woman at 
supper, who I soon found was one of the 
newly arrived immigrants. I looked her 
over and saw a round, strong, cheery-look- 
ing lass, with laughing face, and thought 
she'd do. I didn't know how to go foolin' 
around her to find a soft place, but just 
spoke a word or two with her, and when we 
came out into the passage gave her a 
squeeze and a kiss. 

"Says she, 'How dare you !' 
"Says I, 'I wants to marry you, my dear.' 
" 'Marry me !' cries she, laughing. 'Why 
I don't know you!' 

10 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

" 'No more do I know you, my dear,' 
says I; 'so that makes it fair and equal/ 

"She didn't know how to put a clapper 
on that, so she only laughed and said she 
couldn't think of it. 

"'Not think of it,' says I, artful like, 
'not when you've come all these thousands 
of miles for the purpose?' 

" 'What do you mean ?' says she, staring. 

" 'Come now,' says I, 'I knows what's 
what.. "When a man immigrationizes it's to 
get work; when a woman immigrationizes 
it's to get married. You may as* well do it 
at once.' 

"Well, she giggled a bit, and we were 
spliced two days afterwards." 



PRECAUTIONARY FLATTERY. 

"Can I see the lady of the house?" in- 
quired the pedlar of the woman who opened 
the door. 

"Well, yes, you can if you ain't blind," 
was the answer. 

"Oh, beg pardon, madam; you are the 
lady of the house, then?" 

"Yes, I am. What d'yer take me for? 
Did yer think I was the gentleman of the 
II 



Rare-Bits of Humor 

house, or the next door neighbor, or one 
of the farm hands, or the cat, or the ice 
chest?" 

The pedlar smiled. 

"I didn't know, madam, but that you 
might be the youngest daughter. ,, 

"Oh, did yer?" said the lady of the 
house. "Well, that was nat'ral, too. What 
have you got to sell to-day?" 

Then the pedlar displayed his wares, and 
when he left that doorstep half an hour 
later his face was full of pleasure and his 
pockets full of money. He evidently under- 
stood human nature and made a good sale. 



BREAKING UP A MONOPOLY. 

Rube — How much for a ticket to New 
York? 

Ticket Seller — Two dollars. 

"I'll give you a dollar and a half." 

'Get away from the window." 

"Well, how will a dollar and seventy- 
five cents strike you, young man?" 

"No." 

"All right. Now I'll not go to New 
York at all, and you don't get a darned 
nickel out of me." 

12 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 




SORTER SLOOPIN'. 

Y attention was at- 
tracted to an old- 
fashioned prairie 
schooner, with a 
broad stretch of tar- 
paulin, which rolled 
into St. Louis last 
week and came to a 
stand in front of a 
small hotel. The 
sight was so novel 
that a reporter 
hailed the bronze driver, asking- where in 
the world he was bound. "Arkansaw," 
was the reply; "we're all the way fr'm 
Kane County, Illinoy, and we're heading f'r 
the Red River kentry." At that moment 
certain menagerie-like sounds issuing from 
the depths of the wagon led the reporter to 
glance in. As he did so a woman's face 
went blushingly back under the cover and 
several children bobbed their heads up in- 
quiringly. "You seem to have a good deal 
of a family," said the scribe. "Yaas, in 
fact I've got two families." "Two fami- 
lies?" "Um-hum," he grunted affirmatively. 
13 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

"You see, Samanthy ther's got nine young 
ones and I've got seven, and they ain't 
quite shook togither yet. Way back in 
Kane County we'd knowed each other for 
some time. Samanthy there her husband 
wan't no count; he got to hog stealin' and 
then he got into the pen at Joliet, and my 
wife war poor and sickly, and so I shipped 
her on to the folks in Indiana and Samanthy 
and I started for Arkansaw. As we kem 
by Joliet she went and saw her old man, 
Hez Ward, an' he gev his consent." 

"So you're eloping?" 

"Well, we are sorter slopin'." 



HE CALLED CHAUNCEY. 

The president of a Wisconsin railroad 
called on Chauncey Depew one day for a 
pass. 

"If you will give me a pass over your 
road, Mr. Depew," said he, "I will extend 
you the same courtesy over my road." 

"How long is your road?" inquired Mr. 
Depew. 

"Well, we are operating sixty-seven miles 
this year." 

"What, sixty-seven miles, and you call, 
14 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

that an exchange of courtesy, and the Van- 
derbilt system has its thousands of miles." 
"Well, Mr. Depew," said the Western 
railroad president, as he arose to go, "your 
road may be a little longer than mine, but 
it ain't any wider." 



THE BANANA PEEL. 

Like the bar of the beaten gold 

I gleam in the summer sun; 
I am little, I know, but I think I can throw 

A man that will weigh a ton. 
I send out no challenges bold, 

I blow me no vaunting horn, 
But foolish is he who treadeth on me; 

He'll wish he had ne'er been born. 

Like the flower of the field, vain man 

Goeth forth at the break of day; 
But when he shall feel my grip on his heel, 

Like the stubble he fadeth away; 
For I lift him high up in the air, 

With his heels where his head ought to be, 
With a down-coming crash he maketh his mash, 

And I know he's clear gone upon me. 

I am scorned by the man who buys me, 

I am modest and quiet and meek; 
Though my talents are few, yet the work that 
I do 

Has oft made the cellar-doors creak. 
I'm a canary-colored Republican born, 

And a Nihilist fearless I be; 
Though the head wear a crown, I would bring; 
its pride down, 

If it sets its proud heel upon me. 

15 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

IRISH BEES. 

District Attorney Reeves of Los Angeles, 
Cal., appreciates a good story and tells one 
of an Irishman that will bear repeating. 

"Some people object to releasing pris- 
oners on a floater because of the fact that 
the renegades are turned loose upon other 
communities. That reminds me of the 
Irishman who, after reaching America, was 
full of homesick brag, in which nothing in 
America even approached things of a simi- 
lar variety in Ireland. In speaking of the 
bees of the ould sod and he grew especially 
roseate and said : 

" 'Why, the baze in that counthry is twice 
as big as in this. Indade, they'er bigger 
than that. They're as big as th' shape ye 
have in this counthry !' 

" 'Bees as big as sheep !' said his incredu- 
lous listener. 'Why, what kind of hives do 
you have to keep them in?' 

" 'No bigger than the ones in this coun- 
thry,' was the reply. 

" 'Then how do the bees get into the 
hives?' he was asked. 

"'Well,' replied the Irishman, 'that's 
their own dom lookout/ " 
16 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 




A BASHFUL BEAU. 

ESS, your beau 
seems very bash- 
ful," said mam- 
ma to her daugh- 
ter. 
"Bashful!" echo- 
ed the daughter, 
"bashful is no 
name for it." 

"Why don't you 
encourage him a 
little more? Some 
men have to be taught how to do their court- 
ing. He's a good catch." 

"Encourage him !" said the daughter, "he 
cannot take the most palpable hint. Why, 
only last night when I sat all alone on the 
sofa, he perched up in a chair as far away 
as he could get, I asked him if he didn't 
think it strange that a man's arm and a 
woman's waist seemed always to be the 
same length, and what do you think he 
did?" 

"Why, just what any sensible man would 
have done — tried it." 

"He asked me if I could find a piece of 
17 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

string so we could measure and see if it 
was so.— Ain't he a horrible man?" 



AN EXPLANATION. 

A wealthy New York gentleman, who has 
got a frisky wife, observed that his footman 
had bought an entirely new suit of clothes 
and had his beard dyed. 

"What a ridiculous idea that is for you 
to be fixing up that way," said the gentle- 
man. 

"Well," said the footman, "you dye your 
mustache and fix up, too." 

"I know that, but I do it to please my 
wife." 

"Well, ain't that what I do it for?" 



CAR FARE. 

An Irishman who keeps a saloon found 
his cash was always short, so he said to his 
Jew bartender one day : 

"Levi, did you take any money out of 
the register last night?" 

Levi says : "Yes, I took my car-fare 
home." 

The Irishman says : "Where do you 
live? In San Francisco?" 
18 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

THE DOCTOR AND THE MONKEY. 

The wife of a celebrated Western divine 
has such a fancy for Angora cats that she 
has a room devoted to them, leading out of 
which a gallery is built, so the animals 
can have exercise and fresh air without 
wandering away. 

An old college friend met the doctor on 
the street lately, and not having seen each 
other for some years, the meeting was most 
pleasant. At last he asked : "George, what 
are you doing now ?" 

"Well," said he, "I am married, am pas- 
tor of a fine church and get a good salary." 

"And your wife?" 

"My wife ! my wife ! oh ! she is in the cat 
raising business." 

In addition to the cat craze, a monkey 
was added to the household menagerie, and 
all went pleasantly until one day, as the 
doctor stepped into his bath, the monkey 
jumped in with him. Then there was wrath 
in the old man's eye, when after a brief 
struggle he left the bath tub, holding the 
monkey by the neck, both dripping with 
water, marched into the presence of his 
good lady, saying : "Madam ! this monkey 

19 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

business has gone too far; you must de- 
cide between me and the monkey." 

She looked placidly up from a cat she 
was petting, saying: ''Doctor, will you 
give me twenty- four hours to decide?" The 
monkey is still a member of the household. 



IN THE SAME BOX. 

"You have been in the army a great many 
years, but I have not heard of your captur- 
ing anything," said an old Washington co- 
quette to a somewhat venerable officer of 
the army. 

"You ought to have a fellow-feeling for 
me," was the reply. 

"How so?" 

"Because we both know what it is to grow 
old without making any conquests." 



A LUCKY TURKEY. 

After having listened, at a Christmas 
dinner, to Jones' stale jokes, Smith said : 
"I say, Jones, the Christmas turkey is luck- 
ier than we are." 

Jones — In what way? 

"He isn't stuffed with chestnuts until 
after he is dead." 

20 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

REMOVING TEMPTATION. 

Deacons Smith and Jones, two pillars of 
the church, were working in the hayfield on 
a Virginia farm. Suddenly Deacon Smith 
called out excitedly : 

"What dis ah dun f oun' in dis haystack ?" 

"Look ter me lack er jug ob licker," Dea- 
con Jones responded, his eyes rolling. 

Both deacons pondered, and presently 
Deacon Smith said, gravely: 

"Bro' Jones, don' yo' 'low we-all better 
drink up dis hyah, les' some po' weak brud- 
der fin' hit an' fall by the wayside?" 



A TRUTHFUL VERDICT. 

A clergyman who had accepted an invita- 
tion to officiate at Sunday services in a 
neighboring town entrusted his new curate 
with the performance of his own duties. On 
returning home he asked his wife what she 
thought of the curate's sermon. 

"It was the poorest one I ever heard," she 
replied, promptly — "nothing in it all all." 

Later in the day the clergyman, meeting 
his curate, asked him how he had got on. 

"Oh, very well," was the reply. "I didn't 
have time to prepare anything, so I preached 
one of your unused sermons." 

21 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

Distrust appearances ! I saw a person 
Engaged in talking with a maid apart, 

And every little while I chanced to notice 
He lightly laid his hand upon his heart. 

I thought, of course, it was a declaration. 

A passage tender with the maiden fair, 
But found out later that the frequent gestures 

Were just to see if still his purse was there ! 



THE MILKY WAY. 

'Twas a warm October night and the sil- 
very moon cast glimmering shadows about 
the woody glen, through which the rippling 
brook tumbled on toward the Raritan Canal. 
He was but a freshman, and she — fair one 
— was the buxom daughter of a tiller of the 
soil. They had met at a Harvest Home. 

"Chauncey," she lisped, with the sweetest 
of Jersey accents, "why do they call that the 
Milky Way?" 

And she turned her light green eyes 
toward the heavens. 

"Lizzie," he cried in ardent tones, as he 
clasped her to his boyish breast, "it is be- 
cause the stars are condensed there." 

Just then the moon went behind a cloud. 

22 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

CASEY IN LONDON. 
"One clay I was riding on top of a 'bns 
in London with my friend Casey. I was 
nearly worn out with several hours sight- 
seeing and the bustle and excitement of the 
London street, the hoi polloi, the Billings- 
gate and the din and rattle were becoming 
almost unbearable when w T e came in sight 
of Westminster Abbey. Just as we did so, 
the chimes burst forth in joyous melody, 
and I said to Casey, 'isn't it sublime? Isn't 
it glorious to hear those chimes pealing and 
doesn't it inspire one with renewed vigor?' 
Casey leaned over, with hand to his ear, and 
said, 'you'll have to speak a little louder, 
George, I can't hear you.' I said, 'those 
magnificent chimes. Do you not hear them 
pealing? Do they not imbue you with a 
feeling of almost reverence? Do they not 
awaken tender memories of the past?' 
Casey again leaned forward and said, 'I 
can't hear you. You'll have to speak 
louder.' I got as close to him as possible 
and said, 'do you not hear the melodious 
pealing of the chimes? Do they not recall 
the salutation of old Trinity on a Sabbath 
morning? Do they not take you back into 
23 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

the dim vistas of the past when the world 
was young- and touch your heart with a 
feeling of pathos?' Casey put his -mouth 

close to my ear and said, 'those d bells 

are makin' such a h — 11 of a racket, George, 
I can't hear you.' " 

■ — G cor ere Fuller Golden. 



HULLY GEE, SWEET MARIE. 

There is winter in the air, Sweet Marie; 

We can see it everywhere, hully gee! 
If I'm going to take you out 
I shall have to hump about 
For an ulster c/ercoat, Sweet Marie. 

Hully gee, Sweet Marie; Sweet Marie, hully 

gee! 
I've got to buy an ulster, don't you see? 
I adore you, don't you know, 
But when the north winds blow, 
Love cannot exist on snow, Sweet Marie. 

You have got upon your back, Sweet Marie; 

A brand new sealskin sack bought by me; 
It will keep you safe from harm, 
From the cold winds and the storm. 

But what's to keep me warm, Sweet Marie? 

Don't you see, Sweet Marie; 

Sweet Marie, don't you see! 

How I shiver like the leaves on the tree? 

Like the cuckoo and the wren, 

I will come to see you then 
When the robins nest again, Sweet Marie. 

— New York Sun. 

24 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 



one day, ' said Mr 
window was open. 



HE CAUGHT THE EGG. 

R. FLANAGAN, of 
New Jersey, told the 
following story at a 
picnic of Patrons of 
Husbandry at Tuttle's 
Grove, near Morris- 
town : 

"I was riding from 
Baltimore to Wash- 
ington on a fast train 

Flanagan. "The car 
As we passed another 




express train going in the opposite direction 
a hen caught in the vortex between the two 
trains was lifted in the air and slammed 
against the side of our car. As it struck 
an e gg" was cas t in at the open window 
and fell in my lap." 

"Of course it didn't break," said a cynic 
among the listeners. 

"It did not break," went on the Represen- 
tative. "Because of its premature appear- 
ance the shell was not hard, but tough and 
leathery instead. I took it home and put it 
in an incubator and in time hatched out a 
fine chicken." 

25 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

"Did you observe in the egg's offspring 
any evidence of prenatal influences?" asked 
the schoolmaster, shoving his glasses up on 
his forehead. 

"Only this," said the Representative, 
"the chicken was a rooster, and whenever 
it tried to crow it whistled like a locomo- 
tive." 



DIDN'T FIND HER HONEY. 

A young married woman from the South, 
who was visiting New York a few days 
ago with her husband, left him in their 
hotel room one morning while she went on 
an errand. She was not accustomed to big 
hotels nor to big New York, but she got 
back without mishap in half an hour and 
knocked at the door. There was no re- 
sponse. 

"Let me in, honey," said the young 
woman knocking more vigorously. 

Still no response. 

"Honey, let me in," called the young 
woman, redoubling her exertions. "Honey, 
honey, let me in." 

She rattled the knob and shook the door 
and pounded with both fists, but there was 
26 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

the silence of the grave on the other side. 
The young woman's voice rose to half a 
cry. 

"Honey, aren't you there? I want to get 
in. Honey, open the door." 

Then arose from the other side of the 
door a deep, bass voice, with a resentful 
note in it: 

"Madam," it said, "this is not a beehive. 
This is a bathroom." 



YOUTHFUL DEPRAVITY. 

"Papa," he asked, "don't wasps build their 
nests of mud?" 

"They do, my son," said the father. 

"Are wasps good for anything?" 

"So far as we know, Willie, they are 
not." 

"Then the mud is wasted, isn't it?" 

"I presume it is." 

"Then it's just like our Irene, isn't it?" 

"How so?" 

"Because it's wasp-wasted." 

And the strong man, who had always felt 
hopes that Willie some time would enter 
the ministry, went out to the woodshed and 
wept. 

27 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 



HOCH! DER KAISER. 

Der Kaiser of dis Fatherland 
Und Gott on high all dings command. 
Ve two — ach! Don't you understand? 
Myself— und Gott. 

Vile some men sing der power divine, 
Mine soldiers sing "Der Wacht am Rhine," 
Und drink der health in Rhenish wine 
Of Me— und Gott. 

Dere's France, she swaggers all aroundt 
She's ausgespield — of no account. 
To much we think she don't amount — 
Myself— und Gott. 

She will not dare to fight again; 
But if she shouldt, I'll show her Main 
Dot Elsass und (in French) Lorraine 
Are mein — by Gott! 

Dere's grandma dink's she's nicht small beer, 
Mit Boers und such she interfere; 
She'll learn none owns dis hemisphere 
But me — und Gott! 

She dink's, goot frau, fine ships she's got, 
Und soldiers mit dere scarlet coat — 
Ach! We could knock dem — Pouf! like that- 
Myself— mit Gott. 

In dimes of peace brebare for wars — 
I bear the spear and helm of Mars, 
Und care not for a thousand Czars — 
Myself— mit Gott! 

In fact, I humor efery whim, 
With aspect dark and visage grim; 
Gott pulls mit me, and I mit Him — 
Myself— und Gott. 
28 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 



A SLIP. 

E was telling the 
story of the engaged 
young man who stop- 
ped at the home of 
his sweetheart on his 
way to business one 
morning just to hold 
her hand for a mo- 
ment. 

"The young man 
rang the bell," said 
the story teller, "and 
asked the maid to an- 
nounce him. Pretty 
soon the girl poked her head out of the 
bathroom door and cried, 'Hello ! Jack, 
dear !' 'Hello Y Jack called out. 'Come on 
down.' 'I can't, Jack, I'm er — well, I'm in 
my bath.' 'But I won't keep you a mo- 
ment.' 'I haven't er — got — er — anything 
on, Jack,' was the hesitating reply. 'Well,' 
said Jack, 'slip on something and come 
down.' 

"So," concluded the story teller, "she 
slipped on the top step and came down." 
Everybody laughed, but one man. He 
29 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

looked as though in deep thought for a 
second and then cried : "You don't get me 
to bite on that gag." 



WANTED TO ACQUIT HIM. 

A man arrested for murder bribed an 
Irishman on the jury with a hundred dol- 
lars to hang out for a verdict of man- 
slaughter. The jury were out a long time 
and finally came in with a verdict of man- 
slaughter. The man rushed up to the Irish 
juror and said, "I'm obliged to you, my 
friend. Did you have a hard time?" "Yes," 
said the Irish. "A h — 11 of a time. The 
other -eleven wanted to acquit yer." 



ECONOMY. 

A Hebrew was killed in a railroad acci- 
dent, and when taken to the undertakers it 
was discovered by an address in his pocket 
that he was the senior member of a large 
clothing house in New York, so the under- 
taker telegraphs to his partner, in sending 
home the body, if he shall embalm it for 
$50 or freeze it fop 25. The partner an- 
swered : "Freeze him from his knees up for 
$15, as his feet was frostbitten last winter." 

30 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

TO HIS ADVANTAGE? 

I was recently in a street car accident at 
14th street and Third avenue. The next 
day I read a notice in the morning Journal 
which sa ; d; "If the Irishman who was rid- 
ing in the street car at the time of the col- 
lision at 14th street and Third avenue will 
call at 2219 97th street (that's two blocks 
this side of Albany) he will learn some- 
thing to his advantage. "Well I didn't 
have car fare so I walked out to 2219 97th 
street and rang the bell. A man came to 
the door and I said, "are you the man that 
put the advertisement in the paper?" He 
said, "yes, were you in the car?" I told 
him I was and he said, "well did you find 
a pair of spectacles?" 

— John Keniell. 



MRS. MURPHY'S SARCASM. 

"Mrs. Moorphy, ye certainly are no lady. 
The way yez jumped into my b y Dinny an' 
all fur just hollerin' 'Rats !' shows to me 
moind that you are a dangerous characth- 
er." 

"Be aisy wid yer tongue there, Mrs. 
Riordan. Oi'm nathrally as paceful as a 
31 



Rare-Bits of Humor, 



goat, but don't you say another worrud av 
an oncomplimentary nature. It's bad 
enough to have to own yez for a neighbor, 
so it is, widout havin' havin' to shtand an' 
be talked to by yez." 

" Never you mind that. It's an honor 
ye don't deserve. An' Oi'm thinkin' very 
seriously of puttin' the police on to 
your thrack." 

"Well as for that, Mrs. Riordan, I niver 
had any dalin's wid the police, but av I 
wanted an introduction to 'em I don't know 
av any wan that would be better qualified 
by long acquaintance to give it than your 
own self, Mrs. Riordan. Good day till 
yez." 



WHY BELLE ARCHER WAS KISSED. 

Once when Belle Archer was in a Buf- 
falo hotel, a bellboy came up to her in the 
hall, threw his arms around her and kissed 
her. A few minutes later he tapped softly 
at the door of her room. "Come in," cried 
the actress. The boy staggered in and said 
tearfully : " 'Scuse me, lady, I begs your 
pardon; but — but I thought youse wuz de 
chambermaid." Miss Archer forgave him. 
32 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

PROBLEM SOLVED IN SWEDEN. 

He laughed. Oh, how he laughed. It 
was a great joke. 

"At last," he said, "I've found a place 
where they have women sized up just right. 
She isn't a complete human being." 

"She isn't !" she exclaimed warmly. 

"No. In Sweden where they've figured 
the problem out, a man is the unit of value 
and a woman counts for only half," he ex- 
plained. "When a man travels he pays full 
fare on the railroad and full rates at the 
hotels, while if he takes his wife along the 
two of them are charged up as only one 
and a half persons. You see the logical 
deduction?" 

"I do," she answered. "And when a 
woman travels alone she is charged full rate 
for one person, while if her husband hap- 
pens to be along the rate is for one and a 
half persons. The husband, therefore — — " 

He stopped laughing. 

"I always did think," he announced em- 
phatically, "that a woman has a most per- 
verted sense of humor and a most extraordi- 
nary method of reasoning." 

"But if you really want to get at relative 
33 



Rare-Bits of Humor 



values," she persisted, "why, just consider 
the matrimonial market. Man is quoted at 
a high figure in that only when he has a 
title, while woman brings the top price with- 
out one." 

"Oh, well," he said to himself, as he 
slammed the door behind him, "what's the 
use of arguing with a woman anyhow?" — 



IRISH vs. GERMAN. 

"Did you ever notice the difference be- 
tween a German picnic and an Irish picnic? 
The Germans meet at the hall and march 
right out to the picnic. Do the Irish do 
that? Not on your life. They've got to 
march around town about three hours. 
Every man in the procession wants to pass 
his own house." 

"At a German picnic if one man gets ex- 
cited and calls another a liar, the friends 
of the two get around, some one orders 
beer and the two men shake hands and join 
in a song. At an Irish picnic if one man 
calls another a liar, that's your cue to climb 
a tree. There's no glass of beer ever goin ; 
to square that." 

/. W. Kelly. 
34 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 



TOO MUCH MOUTH. 

WEALTHY young 
lady called at the 
undertaker's and 
identified a corpse 
as her father. She 
gave orders for 
elaborate burial. 
Just as she was 
leaving, she took a 
last look and ob- 
served that the low- 
er jaw had fallen, 
exposing a set of false teeth. "That's not 
my father," said the young lady, and im- 
mediately left. 

The undertaker yanked the body out of 
a handsome coffin, slapped it down on the 
slab and said to it: "You d — fool! If 
you'd kept your mouth shut, you'd got a 
first-class funeral." 




A FAST HORSE. 

An Irishman sells a horse to a Hebrew, 
assuring him he is a fast horse. Cohen 
buys him, has him insured, and next day 
hitches him up to his wagon, but discovers 

35 



Rare -Bits of Humor. 

he is balky and will not start. A bystander 
suggests that he build a fire under the 
horse, which he does, but burns up the 
wagon, and still the horse will not go. He 
calls a doctor and he injects a fluid and the 
horse runs away out of sight. Cohen turns 
to the doctor and pleads to have some of 
the same so he can catch the horse. 



EQUIVALENT. 

"My friend Casey, had a friend named 
Sullivan, who was very sick, and as there 
was no one else available Casey told the 
physician that he would sit up with him. 
Well, the doctor told Casey to administer 
a powder at 10 o'clock and to give him just 
what he could get on a dime and no more. 
He took a dime from his pocket and showed 
Casey the necessary portion and cautioned 
him against giving an overdocc. Casey 
said he understood and the doctor left — of 
course without leaving the dime. The 
next morning when he called he found the 
man dead. He said to Casey, 'did you give 
him the dose I prescribed?' Casey said, 
'of course I did. I didn't have a dime so I 
put it on two nickels.' " 

36 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

HOW IT FELT. 

The girl was very rich and the young 
man was poor but honest. She liked him, 
but that was all, and he knew it. One 
night he had been a little more tender than 
usual. 

"You are very rich," he ventured. 

"Yes," she replied frankly. "I am 
worth one million two hundred and fifty 
thousand dollars." 

"And I am poor." 

"Yes." 

"Will you marry me?" 

"No." 

"I thought you wouldn't." 

"Then why did you ask me?" 

"Oh, just to see how a man feels when he 
loses one million two hundred and fifty 
thousand dollars." 



PARALYZING. 

"That's a right smart little gal of yours," 
said a benevolent-looking old gentleman on 
a Western railroad to a lady sitting :n front 
of him. "I've been watching her for some 
time." 

"Yes, I have noticed you," x*.mai:ked the 
37 



^— 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

lady; "you have children of you* own, per- 
haps; but I daresay yours are all grown." 

"No'm ; I've some grown up, but I've got 
a little tot to home only eight months old, 
and another one a year old, and one fo'teen 
months, and one two years old, and a pair 
o' real cunnin' twins two years and a half 
old, and a boy of three and a little gal the 
same age. Then there's Mary, an' Arvilly, 
an' Jonas, an' William Henry, an' Peter, 
and Salviny, an' Antoynetty, an' Victoriay, 
an' Wellington, 'an Charles Summer, an' 
Angeliny, an' Cyrus, an' Naomy, an' Ruth, 

an' Diany an' . I have to git off at this 

station to take the Salk Lake train. If 
you should ever be out in btah come an' 
see the children. There's some I ain't 
named. — Good bye !" 



MAN, POOR MAN. 

Before a man's married he's a dude; 
after marriage he's subdued. Before mar- 
riage he has no buttons on his shirt ; after 
marriage he has no shirt. Before mar- 
riage he swears he would not marry the 
best woman in the world; after marriage 
he finds that he hasn't. 

38 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 



THE TOAST. 

RANKLIN 




B- 



has just return- 
ed from an ex- 
tended Western 
trip tells the fol- 
lowing : 

''Recently in 
Los Angeles five 
prominent gen- 
tlemen of for- 
eign birth hap- 
pened to meet. 
One was a Russian, one a Turk, 
one a Frenchman, one an American, 
and one an Englishman. These gen- 
tlemen became bosom friends, and finally a 
champagne supper was proposed, at which 
each gentleman, to be in keeping with the 
times, was to give a toast to his native 
country, the one giving the best to be at 
no expense for the wine. Here are the 
toasts given : 

The Russian — "Here's to the stars and 
bars of Russia, that were never pulled 
down." 

The Turk — "Here's to the moons of Tur- 
39 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

key, whose wings were never clipped." 

The Frenchman — "Here's to the cock of 
France, whose feathers were never picked." 
The American — "Here's to the stars and 
stripes of America, never trailed in de- 
feat." 

The Englishman — "Here's to the rampin' 
roarin' lion of Great Britain, that tore down 
the stars and bars of Russia, clipped the 
wings of Turkey, picked the feathers off 
the cock of France and ran like h — 11 from 
the stars and stripes of the United States 
of America." 



GREAT HEAD. 

Two peddlers came from Jerusalem 
peddling suspenders. It was agreed who- 
ever died the first was to have five thousand 
dollars put in his coffin. One died,,, der 
other fellow vouldn't put der money in. 
He couldn't sleep. He vent and consulted 
a Rabbi. Der Rabbi says, "put in der five 
thousand dollars, or you'll never have a 
day's rest." Der Rabbi met him two veeks 
aftervards and says, "Isaacs, vat did you 
put in, silver, gold or bills?" He says, "I 
put in a check." 

40 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

A YANKEE AT THE THEATRE. 

On a certain occasion, at a certain drama- 
tic temple, a farce was in course of repre- 
sentation, and had just reached the scene 
where the lovers enters seeking, almost dis- 
tracted, his lady love. 

"Where, oh Heaven ? where has my Julia 
fled?" exclaimed the actor, in despairing 
accents. 

A specimen of the genus Yankee, in the 
pit, now exhibited symptoms of impatience, 
and as the actor repeated nis impassioned 
inquiry, he was answered by our Yankee 
with : 

"Right behind you, you darn fool, in the 
tater patch!" 

The effect of this can be better imagined 
than described. The applause was tre- 
mendous. 



NORMA WHALLEY'S PARROT. 

Miss Norma Whalley has a parrot, call- 
ed "Sphinx" because of the silence he has 
insisted on maintaining ever since he ar- 
rived at the residence of his mistress. The 
silence was taken by all concerned to mean 
mere reserve, owing to short acquaintance. 
41 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

This mist has been dispelled for he made 
one remark the other night that leads those 
who heard it to believe him to be a demon. 

There were a number of visitors present 
and poker stories were in order. The par- 
rot listened gravely while one woman re- 
lated how her husband had held up the 
eight, nine, and ten of spades and caught 
the jack and seven, and the wise fowl mere- 
ly perked his green and red tail feathers 
when some one else told of winning a big 
pot on a pair of jacks with eight people 
in the game. One man's narrative was of 
staying in a pot where everybody took two 
cards, and holding up an ace of diamonds, 
he drew three more single spots to it. 

The parrot broke the calm, "Oh, my God ! 
Isn't it awful warm?" and not a word has 
been said since. 



WANTED PROTECTION. 

"Is this a fire insurance office?" 
"Yes, sir; can we write you some insur- 
ance?" 

"Perhaps you can. You see, my employ- 
er threatens to fire me next Saturday, and 
Fa like some protection." 
42 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

BUT ONE BILLY BIRCH. 

HE late Billy Birch, the 
old time minstrel, had just 
recovered frcm a severe 
illness. He met a friend 
who owns a trotter, and 
who offered the use of it 
to Birch, saying that tjie 
exercise of a ride would do him good. 

Birch accepted the offer and ordered the 
horse hitched to a light road wagon. He 
drove slowly down Lexington avenue. 
The horse pranced about in a lively man- 
ner, and at times evinced a disposition to 
use both sides of the street. 

At last a train came hissing through the 
tunnel, and the horse took the bit in his 
mouth and bolted. Here is where Birch 
concluded that he was no Jehu, for he 
wrapped the lines about the whip and de- 
li Derate'iy climbed over the back of the seat. 
He did not stop at this, and soon his short 
legs were dangling over the tail-board of 
the wagon. He dropped off, rolled over in 
the mud several times, got up, pulled down 
his vest and remarked to a policeman: 
"I made a hit that time eh ?" 

43 



^^^^m^^mmt 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

The officer then took him to task for not 
holding on to his horse, but Birch shook 
his head and said reflectively, "There's lots 
of horses and buggies in this world, most 
noble guardian of the law, but I'll give you 
a quiet tip that there's is but one Billy 
Birch." 



A BUSINESS TRANSACTION. 

A wretched looking tramp went into a 
saloon and begged with tears in his eyes for 
the barkeeper to give him a nickel with 
which to get something to eat. He got it. 
As soon as he got it in his hand he slapped 
it down on the bar, and said, n a loud voci- 
ferous, peremptory tone of voice: 

"Beer!" 

It was several minutes before the bar- 
keeper could catch his breath, and then he 
was eloquent. 

"Well, if that ain't gall I hope I may nev- 
er live to see any. Why, you — you — you, 
etc." 

"No speeches. Begging is my business, 

and beer- jerking is yours. You attend to 

your business, and I'll attend to mine. It is 

going to be a cold winter, and if you want 

44 



Rare -Bits of Humor. 

to keep your job you had better attend to 
it," said the mendicant. 

The partially paralyzed barkeeper hand- 
ed him out the schooner, the tramp downed 
it slowly and drifted out, perfectly satisfied 
with that little business transaction. 



"What did the egg come from?" 

"The hen." 

"What did the hen come from?" 

"The egg." 

"Well, which got here first?" 



HUGGING THE SHORE. 

I went one day to sail in a yacht 

With the very best girl I had, 
And indeed I was thankful at my lot, 

Which you'll see was not at all bad. 

The sea ran high far away outside; 

And as, in the sea's dread lore, 
I was not well versed, I concluded to glide 

Near by, so I hugged the shore. 

Anon, as the twilight round us fell, 

I spooned with the lively maid, 
And what I did but the stars could tell, 

And they will not, I'm afraid. 

And anon again I asked her to show 

How a maid could a man adore; 
And she showed me how till I could but know, 

And again I hugged the show-er. 

45 



™ 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

A NARROW ESCAPE. 

Topnoody made up his mind that he was 
not going to be bossed any longer by his 
wife so he went home at noone and called 
out imperiously : ''Mrs. Topnoody ! Mrs. 
Topnoody !" Mrs. T. came out of the kitch- 
en with a drop of sweat on the end of her 
nose, a dish-rag tied around her head, and 
a rolling-pin in her hand. "Well, sir," she 
said, "what'll you have ?" Topnoody stag- 
gered, but braced up. "Mrs. Topnoody, 
I want ou to understand, madam" — and he 
tapped his breast dramatically — " I am the 
engineer of this establishment." "Oh, you 
are, are you? Well, Topnoody, I want you 
to understand that I" — and she looked dan- 
gerous — "am the boiler that will blow up 
and sling the engineer clear over into the 
next county. Do you hear the steam escap-, 
ing Topnoody?" Topnoody heard it, and 
he meekly inquired if there was any as- 
sistance he could render in the housework. 



'Where's your sister?" 

'Over in London, living high. Where's 



yours ?' 



"Over in Proctor's, living pictures." 

4 6 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

CHEEK. 

ILLY W tells the 

the following story : A 
Hebrew entered the 
store of Dr. Vineberg, 
the Albany optician, 
and said : "Meester, I 
vant to get my eyes tested fur a pair of 
glasses." 

Well, Doc sits him in a chair and places 
a card about 15 feet away from him and 
says : "Can you read that plainly ?" 

"I can't do it, Meester," says the Hebrew. 
Doc pushes it to within about 10 feet of 
him and says : "Can you read it now ?" 
"No, I can't," says the Hebrew. 
Doc sticks the card under his nose and 
says : "Well, can you read it now ?" 

"No," says the Hebrew, "I never learned 
to read." 

— /. W. Hartman. 



CASEY'S DISCOVERY. 

There is a well-known saloon in Brook- 
lyn which has three entrances. Casey en- 
ters and the bartender refuses to serve 
him because he is intoxicated. After an ar- 
47 



MM 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 



gument Casey leaves the saloon and soon 
discovers the second entrance. He goes in 
and looks at the bartender with considera- 
ble surprise and again calls for a drink and 
is again refused. He leaves, but soon c®mes 
back through the third entrance. He walks 
up to the bar unsteadily and looking the 
bartender in the face says disgustedly, "Say, 
do you own all the saloons in town ?" 

— /. W. Kelly. 



A STORY OF A KISS. 

A man was walking along one road and 
a woman along another. The roads finally 
united into one, and reaching the point 
of junction at the same time, they walked 
on together. The man was carrying a large 
iron kettle on his back ; in one hand he held 
the legs of a live chicken, in the other a 
cane, and he was leading a goat. They 
neared a dark ravine. Said the woman : 
"I am afraid to go through that ravine with 
you; it is a lonely place, and you might 
overpower me and kiss me by force." Said 
the man : "How can I possibly overpower 
you and kiss you by force when I have this 
great iron kettle on my back, a cane in one 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

* 
hand, a live chicken in the other, and am 
leading this goat? I might as well be tied 
hand and foot." "Yes," replied the woman; 
"but if you should stick your cane in the 
ground and tie your goat to it, and turn the 
kettle bottom-side up and put the chicken 
under it, then you might wickedly kiss me 
in spite of my resistance." "Success to thy 
ingenuity. O woman !" said the rejoicing 
man to himself: "I should never have 
thought of this or similar expedients." And 
when they came to the ravine he stuck his 
cane into the ground and tied the goat 
to it, and gave the chicken to the woman, 
saying : "Hold it while I cut some grass 
for the goat," and then — so runs the le- 
gend — lowering the kettle from his shoul- 
ders he put the fowl under it and wickedly 
kissed the woman, as she was afraid he 
would. 



Henry Parker is absent minded. One 
day he ran against a cow. He raised his 
hat and said : "I beg your pardon, Madam." 
Soon after he stumbled against a lady. 
Without looking up he said : "Is that you 
again, you brute ?" 

49 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

PARTIAL SUCCESS. 

"I thought I had hit on a great scheme 
not long ago," said the fat man. 

"What was it?" asked the man with the 
straw-colored vest. 

"Why, a fellow down in the country had 
occasion to send me $35 by mail. Now, you 
know, it is a well-known fact that money 
can be detected in an envelope by the smell. 
So I wrote to him to perfume the letter in 
order that the scent of the money could not 
be noticed." 

"Urn. How did it work?" 

"Oh, the letter got through all right, but 
the idiot addressed it to the house. And the 
letter being scented, my wife opened it and 
I only got $15 out of the $35." 



FLY SOUP. 

Mr. Rosenzki took his boy to a restau- 
rant last week to get a bowl of soup. 
Jakey commenced to eat it, and he grabbed 
his father by the coar and he says, 
"papa, there's fly in der soup." Papa 
says, "eat der soup and vait till, you come 
down to der fly, tell de vaiter and he'll give 
you another bowl for nothing." 

50 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 




HER TOP SHEET. 

RANK B , the popular 

salesman, tells the following 
true story : "One learns many 
strange uses and misuses of 
things at country inns, but let 
us hope that the experience 
related by a friend of mine as 
having happened to himself is 
a rare one. He had gone to bed in an 
Irish inn, bidding the landlady to have him 
called at 8. At 6, however, next morning 
she knocked at his door. 
"Ye've to git up," she said. 
"What o'clock is it?" 
"Six, Surr." 

"Go away, I am not going to get up 
till 8." 

At 7 she reappeared. "Indade, and ye 
must get up now, it's 7." Finding him 
unmoved at her next return, she said : "Git 
up, there's a sweet gintelman; there's two 
commercial gentlemen waiting for their 
breakfast, and I can't lay the cloth till I 
have yer honor's top sheet." 



A lady was walking along market street, 
51 



i^^BMMB 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

in San Francisco, holding a little girl by the 
hand, who showed all the symptoms of hav- 
ing a flea on her somewhere. A newsboy 
rushed up and exclaimed "Examiner! Ex- 
aminer ! !" "I'll wait till I get home, I 
guess," said the lady, reflectively. 

— Charles R. Sweet. 



A SEA HORSE. 

"Say, Captain," said a fresh young man 
on a Sound steamer, "What's that thing 
over there?" 

"A hawser," was the brief reply. 

"A horse ? Dear me ! What do you 
use it for, Captain?" 

"Well, when fools like you get tired of 
sailing we just put a saddle on it and let 
them ride ashore," growled the gruff old 
mariner. 



"What must a man be that he shall be 
buried with military honors?" 
"He must be a Captain." 
"Then I lose the bet." 
"What did you bet?" 
"I bet he must be dead." 

— Dave War-field. 
52 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

HE GOT THE JOB. 

A few years ago, into a large grocery 
store in New York walked a tall, muscular- 
looking, raw-boned man, evidently a fresh- 
comer from some back town in Maine or 
New Hampshire. Accosting the first per- 
son he met, who happened to be the mer- 
chant himself, he said : 

"You don't want to hire a man in your 
store, do you?" 

"Well," said the merchant, "I don't 
know; what can you do?" 

"Do!" said the man, "I rather guess I 
can turn my hand to almost anything. What 
do you want done?" 

"Well, if I were to hire a man, it would 
be one that could lift well, a strong wiry 
fellow — one, for instance, that could should- 
er a sack of coffee, like that yonder, and 
carry it across the store twice and never lay 
it down." 

"There, now, captin," said our country- 
man, "that's just me. What will you give 
a man that can suit you?" 

"I tell you," said the merchant, "if you 
will shoulder that sack of coffee, and carry 
it across the store twice and never lay it 
53 



Rare-Bits of Humo'Y. 

down, I will hire you for a year, at $100 
per month. 

"Done!" said the stranger; and by this 
time every clerk in the store had gathered 
around and were waiting to join in the 
laugh against the man, who, walking to the 
sack, threw it across his shoulder with per- 
fect ease, as it was not extremely heavy, 
and walking with it twice across the store, 
went quietly to a large hook which was 
fastened to the wall, and hanging the sack 
upon it, turned to the merchant and said : 

"There, now, it may hang there till 
doomsday ; I shan't never lay it down. What 
shall I go about, mister? Just give me 
plenty to do and $100 a month, and it's all 
right." 

"The clerks broke into a laugh, but it 
was out of the other side of their mouths; 
and the merchant, discomfitted yet satisfied, 
kept to his agreement, and today the green 
countryman is the senior partner in the firm 
and worth half a million dollars. 



Cohen left the ball-game because he said 
the umpire looked right at him when he 
called "three balls !" 

54 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

OBSERVATIONS. 

GOT off a train at a 
small town the other 
day and I said to an 
Irishman standing near 
the depot, ''what do yon 
think of that? Every- 
body on that train I just 
got off is a republican. 
There isn't a democrat 
on the train." "Oh," 
said the Irishman, "what does that train 
amount to ! Wait 'till the gravel train comes 
up." 

Speaking of Irishmen, the other day I 
met an Irishman dressed in black. I said : 
"Where have you been?" He said: "To a 
funeral." "Whose?" I asked. "I dunno," 
said he, "I only went for the ride." 

The other day I offered my seat in the 
street car to an Irishwoman. I said, "Sit 
down, won't you ?" She said : "No, thank 
you. I'm in a hurry." 




A painter, who fell off a scaffold with a 
pot of paint in each hand said : "well, I came 
down with flying colors, anyhow." 

55 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

"GOT HIM DAR." 

There is an old negro in Austin, who 
claims to have studied "flosify outen a 
book." He propounds unanswerable ques- 
tions to the lawyers whose rooms he cleans, 
and he discusses "pints o' law" with the 
justice of the peace of his precinct. Yes- 
terday he went into the justice court and 
said : "Jedge, kin I git a 'dictment writ agin 
dat wufflless nigger, Pete?" 

"What's he been doing?" 

"He's a procrastimator. He's bin a pro- 
crastimatin', sah!" 

"Procastinating ?" 

"Yes, sah, dat's what he's bin doin' fur 
a fac'." 

"But there's no law against that." 

"No law agin procrastimation ? Den 
what's de law fur? Ain't procrastimation 
de thief ob time?" 

"Certainly, I believe it has been so stat- 
ed." 

"Well, den, ain't Pete a thief?" 

"Yes, you might so construe it, but you 
cannot convict a man for stealin' time." 

"No, but, when we hab got de proof on 
him fur stealin' time, we hab got de circum- 
56 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

stantial ebidence agin him fur stealin' mon- 
ey, fur don't flossify say dat time am mon- 
ey? Got yer dar, jedge." 

And, while the judge and the lawyers 
groaned, the old man went out chuckling 
to himself: "Got him dar. Got de jedge 
dis time suah yer a foot high." 



SUCH A LIAR. 

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dis- 
pute by a fight and it was understood that 
whoever wanted to quit should say 
"enough." Casey got Riley down and was 
hammering him unmercifully, when Riley 
called out several times "enough !" As 
Casey paid no attention, but kept on admin- 
istering punishment, a bystander said, "Why 
don't you let him up? Don't you hear him 
say that he's got enough?" "I do," says 
Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't be- 
lieve him." 

— John E. Drew. 



"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when 
he died?" 

"Well, he certainly had a good chance. 
In fact he had the greatest show on earth." 

57 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

FRENCH FUN. 

A man very much excited burst into M. 
Pasteur's laboratory the other day. 

"Oh, Doctor," he cried, I have been bit- 
ten !" 

"By a dog?" asked Pasteur. 

"No; worse than that." 

"By a cat?" 

"A kind of cat. But oh, Doctor, can you 
cure me?" 

"It was a wolf, then." 

"Not a wolf, but much worse. It was 
i . mother-in-law!" 

"In that case," said Pasteur, turning to 
his work, "nothing can be done." 



HIS GOOD LUCK. 

An Irishman, in order to celebrate the 
advent of a new era, went out on a lark. He 
didn't get home till 3 o'clock in the morn- 
ing, and was barely in the house before a 
nurse rushed up and, uncovering a bunch of 
soft goods, showed him triplets. The Irish- 
man looked up at the clock, which said 3, 
then at three of a kind in the nurse's arms, 
and said : Oi'm not superstitious, but thank 
Hivens thot Oi didn't come home at twilve !" 

58 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

A DOMESTIC TRAGEDN; 
OW sorrow came into 
that little home. 
"I shall never forgive 
him! Never! Never!" 
she cried. 

Then she threw her- 
self upon a divan and 
wept bitterly. There 

was a ring at the door bell. 

"Ah, my dear mother, is it you?" she 
exclaimed as a woman of commanding pres- 
ence entered the room. 

"It is I," was the answer. "Why do I 
find you weeping?" 

"I have been cruelly treated by the man 
whom I trusted — the man whom we led — 
who led me to the altar." 
"Has he struck you?" 
"Worse !" 

"Deserted you? Left you to face poverty 
alone?" 

"Worse. • He asked me to mend his 
trousers." 
"And you." 

"I refused. And now — oh, horrors — I 
cannot tell it." 

59 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

' Speak my child, speak." 
"He has worn my bicycle bloomers down 
to his office." 
Wretch !" 



NOT HIS FAULT. 

One day this week the Senate did not 
meet at noon. The hands of the clock were 
at least three minutes past the hour of 12 
when the chaplain lifted his voice in the 
opening prayer. And all because Senator 
Frye was telling a story to the preacher. 

"When I was up in Maine recently," 
said Mr. Frye, "I was summoned to pre- 
pare a will for a man who was very ill. It 
was necessary, of course, to secure two wit- 
nesses, and they had to be sent for. While 
we were waiting for them to arrive the man 
seemed to get worse, and I thought it my 
duty, no minister being present, to talk se- 
riously to him. I told him that he was 
very ill and that it was likely he would soon 
depart this life. 

u 'And are you ready to meet this great 
change?' I asked him. 

" 'I will be,' was the reply, 'as soon as 
those d— d witnesses get here*' " 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

"FWAS WOLLEN SIE HABEN." 

Mrs. O'Flaherty — An' fwhat sames to be 
the matter wid the Colonel, Mrs. O'Raher- 
ty? I did hear him gruntin' siveral toimes 
durin' the day. 

Mrs. O'Raherty— Indade, Mrs. O'Flaher- 
ty it's very sick the Colonel is. He did fall 
in wid very bad company yiste'day. As he 
was comin' from church he did stop in a 
saloon beyant, an' wan of the fellies he says 
to the Colonel, says he : 

'You understand some German, I be- 
lave?' 'Troth, an' it's a big fool I would 
be, says the Colonel, 'if I wouldn't under- 
stand some Ditch after being wurruckin' 
on the sthrates wid 'em fur over twinty 
years.' 

" 'Then,' said the felly, "fwhat's the Eng- 
lish av "Fwas wollen sie haben?" 

" 'Fwhat will ye have?' said the Colonel. 

"An' then ivery man in the house did 
yell 'Beer !' An' av coorse the Colonel did 
have to set thim up to the whole house ; an' 
so on did they kape catchin' ivery wan 
that did come in wid their 'Fwas wollen sie 
haben?' until the whole town samed to be 
droonk; an' a sicker mon there niver was 
61 



■HH1 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

than the Colonel was all last noight an' the 
whole av the day. It's a great shame it is 
to be ropin' in innicint men wid sich Dutch 
as that." 



A NEW WAY TO GET MONEY. 

Solomon Isaacs vas going- around last 
veek in a synagogue collecting money to 
build a new Hebrew orphan asylum, soon 
as he got a hat full he tried to sneak out 
of der door mit it. Der Rabbi grabb'd him 
and says, "Solomon, if you go out that 
door mit that hat full of money you'll be 

d m'd." A Jew boy got up and says, 

"If he ain't going out mit' it, I'll be 
d m'd." 



FROM SOLE TO UPPER. 

"What is this leathery stuff?" the diner 
asked, when the second course of the din- 
ner was served. 

"That is a filet of sole, sir," replied the 
waiter. 

"Take it away," said the diner, after at- 
tacking it with his fork, "and see if you 
can't get me a nice tender piece of the upper, 
with the buttons removed." 
62 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

WHAT KILLED THE PARROT. 

HEN I was in New York 
a few weeks ago I saw a 
man walkng along Len- 
ox avenue carrying a 
parrot in a cage. 

"What you got there?" 
I asked. 

"Parrot; I'm taking it home to my wife. 
She always wanted one.'' 

"I hope you'll have better luck than I did 
with one I gave my wife." 
"What happened to it?" 
"Don't know my wife, do you?" 
"No." 

"Neither did the parrot. It wanted to 
talk during the daytime and couldn't get a 
chance while my wife was around, so it 
stayed awake at night to do its talking, and 
the poor thing died of insomnia before two 
weeks." 



HIS REMEDY. 

"You are bothered a great deal by insects, 
are you not?" asked Colonel Sumpter Mc- 
Bride, who is visiting New York. 

"The fleas pester us some, but I've got a 

63 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

way of getting rid of 'em when they get 
too thick in the house." 

"How do you manage — insect powder?" 
"No, I've got a better plan than that. I 
give a party, and invite all the neighbors, 
and my fleas all go off on the women," and 
the old reprobate chuckled for fifteen 
minutes. 



A SURE WINNER. 

A Tout says to Goldberg, "I have a sure 
thing," but don't tell anyone or the book- 
makers will get on and down goes the odds. 
Goldberg goes up to a bookmaker and wants 
to bet $50, and of course is asked the name 
of the horse he wants to back. Vat do you 
tink I vas? "no sir, not in a tousand years 
tell you his name. He is a sure winner, give 
me a ticket." 



Rules for Central Park — "Couples mak- 
ing love will beware of the rubber plant. 
"While driving through the park don't 
speak to your horses. They carry tales." 
"All the animals are not in cages. There 
are some dandelions on the lawn." 

— Rogers Bros. 

64 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

PAT'S FEAR. 

An old Irishman who had recently re- 
covered from a severe attack of sickness, 
chanced to meet his parish priest, who had 
been summoned during his illness to admin- 
ister the rites of the church to the dying, as 
he was considered to be near death's door, 
and the following conversation took place : 
"Ah, Pat, 1 see you out again. We thought 
you were gone sure. You had a pretty 
serious time of it." "Yis, yer riverence. 
indade I did." "When you were so near 
death's door, were you not afraid to meet 
your God, your Maker?" "No, indade, 
your riverence. It was the other gintle- 
min." 



SPANISH LOVE. 

I recently saw a young soldier, wearing 
a ragged U. S. uniform, seated on an old 
soap box in front of the World building, 
playing upon a wheezy accordion, "Give Us 
Just Another Lincoln." He truly presented 
a sorry spectacle. His legs were both miss- 
ing below the knees, one arm was gone at 
the shoulder, and he was short an eye and 
part of an ear. A well dressed gentleman 

65 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

stepped up and dropped a five-dollar bill in 
the tin cup suspended around his neck. Sur- 
prised at the liberal donation, the young 
soldier said gratefully, "You must be a 
comrade." "No," replied the philanthro- 
pist, "I'm a Spaniard, and you're the first 
American that I've seen since the war that 
was done up to suit me." 



A SUMMER IDYL. 

An apple in an orchard grew, 
An apple of an emerald hue; 
Warmed by the sun and wet by the dew, 

It grew. 



One day, while passing the orchard through, 
The apple dawned upon the view 
Of Johnny Jones and his sister Sue — 

Them two. 

A stick into the tree they threw, 
Down came the apple wet with dew, 
The apple of an emerald hue — 

Peek-a-boo. 

Johnny took a bite and Sue took a chew, 
Then the trouble began to brew, 
Trouble the doctors could not subdue — 
Paregoric for two. 

Under the turf where the daisies grew, 
They planted Johnny and Sister Sue, 
And their little souls to heaven flew — 

Adieu. 

66 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 




PUNNING. 

"V HERE are some pun- 
^ ning catches which are 
appreciated by a good 
many people. Here 
is an old one that is 
good : 

If a father gave one 
of his sons 19 cents 
and the other 6 cents, 
what time would it be? 

The answer is "Quarter to two." 
And here is one of more recent birth: 
If a postmaster went to a menagerie and 
was eaten by one of the wild beasts, what 
would be the hour? 

Perhaps you'll have to think this over a 
little. Yet the answer is very simple. It is 
"8 p. m.," of course. 



QUESTION IN GRAMMAR. 

One of the Board of Education, going his 
rounds as an amateur, put the following 
question to a scholar in a country school : 

"How do you parse, 'Mary milked the 



cow 



v " 



Pupil — Cow is 



a noun. 

67 



feminine gen- 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

der, singular number, third person, and 
stands for Mary." 

"Stands for Mary !" exclaimed he of the 
Board; "how do you make that out?" 

"Because," added the intelligent pupil, 
"if the cow didn't stand for Mary, how 
could Mary milk her?" 



THE PLAY IS ON. 

Young Perkins had been paying court to 
a bill poster's daughter for some time, but 
no engagement seemed to come of it. The 
father, becoming impatient, said to Perkins 
finally : 

"Young man, when does your show 
open ?" 

"I haven't any show," said Perkins. 

"I thought you had, for you and Sue 
have been billing for some time back." 

Perkins took the hint, proposed and was 
accepted, and the show commenced not 
lone after. 



'a 



"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and 
when I went for my revolver he ran out." 
"Did you shoot him ?" 
"No. He was out of my range." 
68 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

PRESENCE OF MIND. 

Two gentlemen stood in front of a build- 
ing in process of erection on one of the New 
York thoroughfares, discussing a late ship- 
wreck, from which one of them, by the ex- 
ercise of unusual presence of mind, had 
narrowly escaped. 

At their side a humble "son of Erin" was 
busily mixing the plaster for the new walls. 
Turning, in great friendliness, born of his 
escape from death, the fortunate man ad- 
dressed him : 

"Well, my dear fellow, can you think of 
anything more desirable in time of great 
peril than 'presence of mind ?' " 

"Well, sor, indeed thin, no ; unless it be 
absince of body." 



SCALED VITUPERATION. 

In order to discourage the use of objec- 
tionable words the father had evolved a sys- 
tem of fines, somewhat after this fashion : 

Hang it — One cent. 

Darn it — Two cents. 

Gosh — Three cents. 

Gosh darn it — Five cents. 

The boy who was to be reformed by this 

69 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

method studied the tariff with considerable 
interest, but it was some time before he 
spoke. 

"Well," he said at last, "I guess I know 
some words that would cost a quarter." 



THE RESTRICTION REMOVED. 

The will of Stephen Girard provided that 
no clergyman should ever be allowed to 
enter the splendid Girard College at Phila- 
delphia. 

One day a very clerical looking man, with 
immaculate white cravat and choker ap- 
proached the entrance. 

"You can't come in here," said the jani- 
tor. 

"The I can't !" said the stranger. 

"Oh," said the janitor, "excuse me. Step 
right in." 



Goldstein: "I know a rich girl dat vants 
to get married. Get a bath, clean yourseluf 
ub and you can vin her sure. She'll marry 
you in a minute." 

Bernstein (cautious) : "Y — as. Sup- 
pose I clean myself up und she von't marry 



70 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 



AT THE BALL. 

AY I get you a glass of 
champagne to take with 
this cake?" 

"No, sir; I thank 
you. Champagne is too 
strong for me." 

"It is not so strong as 
brandy." 

"O, you are mistaken. Champagne is so 
strong that it forces the cork out of the 
bottle and drives it against the ceiling. I 
don't mind taking a little pony brandy, but 
no champagne for me. I can't stand strong 
drink." 




A PIANO DOCTOR. 

A few years ago there lived in Provi- 
dence, R. L, Frank J. Smith, a jolly, good 
fellow with a keen sense of humor. For 
some time he tuned pianos for Brown & 
Co., and while engaged in this occupation 
he met with a good many amusing experi- 
ences. On his trips about the city, Frank 
used to carry his tools in a little grip that 
resembled somewhat a doctor's medicine 
case. He had occasion to frequently pass 
71 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

a certain house on Pleasant street, and one 
day the owner beckoned to him and asked 
him to step in. Frank complied, thinking 
there was probably a piano that needed at- 
tention. As soon as he was inside the 
house the man said : "Come into this room. 
I want you to see my wife. She's broken 
out with some kind of a rash." And be- 
fore Frank had time to explain he was in 
the presence of the invalid. "Now, what 
would you advise me to do?" persisted the 
man. Frank pondered a moment; bit the 
end of his cigar thoughtfully and then said, 
as if the advice was the result of much re- 
flection : 

"I believe if I were you, Fd call in a 
doctor." 

"Great Scott !" said the man, "aren't you 
a doctor?" 

"No, said Frank, cheerfully," I'm a 
piano tuner." 



If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lob- 
ster and ate it, and another guest did the 
same, what would the latter's telephone 
number be ? 

It would be "8—1—2." 
72 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

GOOD REASONS. 

''Say, Pat, I hear you've been offered a 
job in the P. W. department. Are you 
going to take it?" 

"Shure an' I am." 

"But the hours are long and the pay 
bad." 

"It's meself that knows it." 

"Surely those are two good reasons for 
refusing it !" 

"Thrue for ye, mc bhoy, but I've got six 
good reasons for acceptin' it." 

"What are they?" 

"Shure, a wife an' foive kids." 



PROVOCATION. 

"What have you to say to this charge of 
assaulting Michael Rafferty?' asked the 
magistrate. 

"Oi licked 'im," replied Mr. Dolan, look- 
ing the court in the eye. "An' wid no dis- 
respect to anybody to whom respect is due, 
it's hopin' Oi am that Oi done it good." 

"Was there any provocation?" 

"They wor thot same." 

"What was it?" 

"Oi hev a goat, yer Anner — a foine ani- 
73 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

mal, too. 'Does yer goat give milk?' says 
Rafferty. 'It does,' says Oi. 'Then,' says he 
'it's buttermilk.' 'It's as swate an' foin as 
any ye iver saw,' says I. 'Certainly; but 
is is buttermilk — nevertheless — what else 
could yer goat give but-her-milk,' says he, 
an' thin we came togethei. Though Oi 
must say, yer Anner, thot whin Oi come to 
repeat it over a few times a.i' consider the 
nature av the goat, Oi'm compelled to say 
Oi were a bit hasty. Bedad, if the court'll 
give me leave, I'll 'poligize to Rafferty, so 
Oi will." 



DELAY IS DANGEROUS. 

Mr. Oppenheimer, being informed by his 
manager that there was no insurance on 
his stock and fixtures, replied, "Vait until 
to-morrow and we will insure;" but when 
he came to his store the next morning, was 
dumbfounded to see only the walls standing 
and everything burned up. 

He exclaimed, "Oh, Lord, strike me 
dead !" when a brick fell down and struck 
him on the head, knocking him senseless. 
When he revived, looking up, he said, "Oh ; 
Lord, can't you take a joke?" 
74 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

VACCINATION IN THE HUB. 

ERRY was the lawn 
party, and the 
bright young man 
found himself priv- 
ileged to sit next to 
the young woman 
with beautiful arms 
and neck. He 
thought himself the most favored person- 
age on the scene. Suddenly his fair com- 
panion exhibited signs of nervousness. Two 
of his very best jokes, saved for a special 
occasion, passed by unnoticed. Her face 
wore a look of alarm. Apprehensively the 
young man gazed at her and, meeting the 
look, she said : 
"I am in misery." 
"In misery?" echoed the man. 
"Yes," she replied. "I was vaccinated 
the other day and it has taken beautifully. 
I could almost scream, it hurts so." 

The young man looked at the beautiful 
arms and, seeing no mark there, said 
"Why, where were you vaccinated?" 
"In Boston," she replied, the smile chas- 
ing away the look of pain. 
75 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

HE WAS RIGHT. 

Mr. Frank Lane tells the following story 
about a Boston Irishman. 

"The old man had been employed on the 
docks as watchman by the city for thirty- 
five years. His son had grown up in that 
time and married and made him a grand- 
father, and held down a position in the city 
hall also. It was the only job the old man 
had ever had since he landed on this side, 
and for thirty-five years he had reported 
every night for duty, and every pay day for 
his wages. Finally the son came home 
one night and told the old man that the 
Superintendent of Docks had decided to get 
a new watchman. 

" That's that ? Get a new watchman, is 
it?' 

" That's it, old man.' 

"'An' he's goin' to foire me, is it?' 

" 'Your due for the chopping block, Pop.' 

" 'An' when am I t' get me discharge ?' 

" 'Next month.' 

"The old man didn't sav anything more, 
but he looked very blue, and finally the old 
lady asked him what the matter was. 

"They're after dischargin' me down at 

7 6 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

th' docks. Sure I told ye' th' furrst day I 
wint t' worruk there I didn't think 'twud 
be a steaddy job, an' I wor right.' " 



"Did you have any trouble with black 
ants in Ireland, Bridget?" 

"No, ma'm, but I had some trouble onc't 
with a white uncle." 



WHY SHE WAS SALTED. 

The Sunday-school was hushed and still, 
And the parson led in prayer, 

Then said a speech would now be made 
By a stranger who was there. 



The lesson told, that day, the fate 
Of the cities razed by fire, 

And of the great reward of those 
Who obeyed the Lord's desire. 

And then the stranger spoke of those 
Who had disobeyed God's law; 

Said they the end of such as sinned 
In the death of Lot's wife saw. 

To impress the fact, he asked a class, 
Small "eight-year" urchins they, 

Why God had turned Lot's wife to salt 
On that ill-fated day. 

One little rascal made response, 

With grimy hand upheld; 
His shrill voice sounded loud and clear, 

"She was too fresh," he yelled. 



77 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

A GROUP OF SWEDISH JOKES. 

Teacher — What do you call the last teeth 
we get? 

Pupil — False teeth. 

Bill — Why are you in such a hurry? 

Jack — Creditor after me — hounding me 
to death. 

Bill — Run into the Savings Bank. He'll 
never think of looking for you there. 

Buff — Have you no memento of your 
mother-in-law, who came to so sudden an 
end in Africa? 

Duff — No, worse luck, We only succeed- 
ed in getting a photograph of the cannibal 
that ate her. 

Young Minister (disgusted) — I preached 
to a congregation of asses today. 

Church Member — I noticed that you 
called them your dear brothers." 

"Is that my umbrella you have?" 

"Most likely. Just bought it in a pawn- 
shop." 



"Dennis, I'm told ye was the best man 
at Mike's marriage." "The same is a lie," 
answered Dennis, "but bejabers, I was as 
good as anny man was there." 

78 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

A COMPLETE GIVE-AWAY. 

AWYE R— Y on say, 
madame, that you have 
been a true and loving 
wife? 

Witness — I have, sir, as 
God is my witness. 

And you have spared 
no effort to retain the love and esteem of 
your husband? 

I have done everything I could to make 
him love me, and he knows it. 

' Ahem. Madame, who gets up and makes 
the fire these cold mornings ? 
He — he — does. 

Ah, indeed; then don't you think your 
statement that you had made every possible 
effort to retain your husband's love and 
esteem a little premature, eh? 



HE WORKED THE BOSS. 

A little man with a bald head and an in- 
offensive blue eye drifted into a Main street 
saloon and threw a half dollar on the bar. 

"Gimme a schooner of beer," he said. 

The schooner was given him. Just as he 
was about to drink it a big man came in 

79 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

and said : "Hello, Shorty. Who's buying ?" 

"I am," replied Shorty, with dignity. 

"You," scoffed the big man. "Why, you 
never had a cent in your life. Your wife 
gets your wages." 

"That's all right," said Shorty. "Meb- 
be she does, but I've got money today." 

"How'd you get it?" 

"Well," replied Shorty, "I don't know as 
I mind tellin. I had a couple of bad teeth, 
an she gimme enough to get them pulled." 

"Didn't you get 'em pulled?" 

"Sure, but I worked her for 50 cents for 
gas, an this is the 50. See ?" 



A CHEAP FEED. 

A man was sitting in a restaurant eating 
oysters. In came an Irishman and said: 
"Oi'll bet a dime thot Oi con eat oysters 
fasther then yez con open thim." 

"Done!" said the shell cracker. 

At the end of an hour the man had open- 
ed seventy-five oysters, but the Irishman 
had only been able to eat sixty-five. 

Getting up with difficulty, the Irishman 
said: "Yez win," laid down a dime and 
walked out. 

80 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

THE BAND WAS ALWAYS THERE. 

A gentlemanly merchant traveler in a 
railway carriage met a lady and politely 
rendered her such assistance that she recip- 
rocated by permitting him to talk to her. 
He became quite friendly, and desired to 
know where she lived and who she was. 

"Oh," she replied, "I'm only an ordinary 
little woman, but my friends persist in try- 
ing to make me somebody." 

"Ah," was the gallant answer, "I am sure 
they act quite wisely and with good taste." 

"You flatter me, sir, and yet I have no 
doubt a band will meet me at the station 
when I arrive at Windsor." 

"Indeed?" he replied in open eyed aston- 
ishment. 

"Yes, and the same band always meets 
me. Isn't that flattering?" 

"Very, my dear miss ; but may I ask what 
band it is that is always so honored?" 

"Oh, yes, certainly; it is a husband." 

He caught on to the arm of the seat for a 
minute and then went into the next carriage 
and bumped his head during the change. 



Two Jews in a street car. — First Jew : "I 
Bi 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

vill nefer go py Far Rockaway agen fer de 
summer. Nodding but Irish everywhere." 
Second Jew : "It's de same at Saratoga, 
Abey, it's alive mit Irish. I vish I could go 
vere dere vas no Irish." 

Mrs. Clancy (on the opposite seat.) — 
"Yez can both go to h — 1, y'll find no Irish 
there." 



THE PRETTY MAID. 

"Oh, whither now, my pretty maid?' 

Inquired the kind old pastor; 
"I goeth now to town," she said, 
"To get a porous plaster." 



"Oh, why dost want, my pretty maid, 
This thing called porous plaster; 

Hast rheumatiz?" the pastor said, 
"Oh hast thou met disaster?" 

"Oh, sir, I fear," the maiden said, 
"That sore we need the plaster; 

Our brindle cow has raised Old Ned, 
And kicked Sal in the pastur." 

"And thou wilt use it, pretty maid, 
Upon the cow?" he asked her; 

"Oh, no, you fool," the maiden said, 
"Not on the cow, dod blast her." 

"What then wilt do, my pretty gal, 
With this 'ere porous plaster?" 
"I'll use it where the cow kicked Sal, 
But I don't mean in the pastur." 
82 



*p 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

PATRICK'S DAY ON APRIL E. 

SAW a funny incident 
some years ago in Cin- 
cinnati, O., said a drum- 
mer. A number of sol- 
emn-faced men were 
standing in front of a 
house. They were dress- 
ed in black, and had ever- 
greens in their button holes. They belong- 
ed to the Masonic fraternity, and were do- 
ing the last honors to a deceased brother. 
Just as they were about to fall in who 
should stroll up but Patrick O'Flarity, just 
out of a saloon. When he saw the ever- 
greens he rubbed his eyes and took another 
look. That look settled it. He under- 
stood it all at a glance. He tilted his hat 
back on his head, put his cane under his 
arm, and dancing up to an aged Israelite 
with a beard three feet long, and who look- 
ed like a whole Synagogue, ran his arm 
through that of the astonished Hebrew and 
said with a rich brogue : 

"Hurrah for ould Ireland! And it does 
me eyes good to see the byes a wearn' of 
the green. St. Patrick was a jintleman. 

83 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

"Go vay mit yer," responded the vener- 
able Israelite. "Don't you know dere was 
some funerals in dot house? Go vay, or I 
calls poleesh !" 

"And in what part of ould Ireland did 
yer pick up that brogue? Ye are the first 
Oirishman I iver saw that was a Dootch- 
man. Maybe it's your wife that is an 
Oirishman." 

Just then the procession began to move, 
and O'Flarity, after staring at it for a few 
moments, asked a bootblack what day of the 
month it was, and was told that it was the 
5th of April. 

"The Fifth of April! No wonder, thin, 
there was a Dootchman in the percission 
when Saint Pathrick's Day comes on the 
5th of April. And they were all droonk, 
too. It was that what desaved me," and 
solemnly shaking his head he went back 
to the saloon. 



HOW A WOMAN D0E8 IT. 
Woman with satchel enters car, sits 
down. 

Enters conductor, asks fare. 

Woman opens satchel, takes out purse, 

84 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

shuts satchel, opens purse, takes out dime, 
shuts purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, 
shuts satchel. 

Offers dime, receives nickel. 

Opens satchel, takes out purse, shuts 
satchel, opens purse, puts in nickel, closes 
purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, closes 
satchel. 

Stop the car, please. 



NO ADVANTAGE. 

Johnnie — "I wish I lived in South Am- 
erica." 

Mother— "Why, Johnnie?" 

"The mammas down there don't wear any 
slippers." 

"Yes, my son, but you must also remem- 
ber that the little boys in South America 
do not wear any pants. 

"That's so. It's queer that I never 
thought about that." 



"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. 
What do you suppose he weighs?" 
"I don't know, what does he weigh?" 
"Meat." 

85 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

A NEW DISEASE. 

"Your husband requires rest," said the 
doctor, as he came from the sick chamber. 

"He will soon be well; he has a bad at- 
tack of tickerosis." "Tickerosis, doctor ! 
Why, that's a new disease, isn't it?" "Yes, 
quite new. It is caused by watching the 
tickers in the brokers' office. It affects the 
optic nerve and the spinal column." 



A MODEST MAID. 

An old maid lived in our town, 

So I have heard it said, 
Who, if you called a dress a gown, 

Would blush like poppies red. 

Her rind was neither frail nor weak — 

Her modesty was rare; 
Of autumn trees she'd never speak 

Because their limbs were bare. 

When night its sable shadows threw 

She'd tumble in a swoon 
If curtain did not hide from view 

The man up in the moon. 

She never sang a sacred song — 

A very modest whin . 
To think of one she thought was wrong, 

Because it was a hymn. 

A plumber caused her death one day— 

That's how the story goes — 
By asking in a careless way 

To let him see her hose. 
86 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

ANOTHER KIND OF A CAT. 

ART W , a jolly jok- 
er, was presented with a 
beautiful kitten. A cou- 
ple of young ladies, one 
of them named Julia, 
happened into the store, 
and of course kitty, as kittens and babies 
always do, came in for an immense quantity 
of endearments and caresses. 

"Oh, my ! what a sweet, darling little kit- 
ty ! What is its name?" 
"It has not been named yet." 
"Oh, the dear thing! Do call it Julia, 
won't you?" 

"I should be very happy to do so," said 
our gallant friend — "but it isn't that kind 
of a cat!" 

Kitty was deposited on the floor in a 
twinkling, and a couple of young ladies 
were seen looking around for a good place 
to faint. 



GOOD REASON. 

Young Foplet is very inpecunious, but 
has an amazing good opinion of his own 
wit. The other day he said to Miss Sharpe : 

87 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

"Who do you suppose I saw on the back 
platform of the car this morning?" "I 
can't imagine," answered the lady. "The 
conductor," chuckled Foplet. "Ah," said 
Miss Sharpe : "that's the reason you walk- 
ed." 



NOT A FAST COLOR. 

A railroad engineer who had a danger- 
signal head of hair, got a barber to dye it 
black, but the color didn't stay. A brother 
of the footboard met him soon after and 
said: 

"Jim, were you hurt much ?" 

"Hurt where?" 

"In the accident." 

"What accident?" 

"Why, the washout, of course." 



THE END JUSTIFIES THE MEANS. 

"Yes," she said, "we decided to let John 
play on his college football team, but we 
had a definite object in view." 

"What was that?" 

"When the season is over we're going to 
have his hair cut and weave it into a door- 



88 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

AN ODD SPECIMEN. 

The drummer didn't want to talk. Some- 
thing must have been the matter with him 
seriously, or he never would have felt such 
disinclination, of course, but the hotel clerk 
disregarded the signs and insisted on his 
telling a story. 

"I haven't any story to tell," growled the 
drummer. 

"Aw, come off," urged the clerk. "You 
know you have plenty. Give us one, and 
don't act ugly." 

The drummer growled some more, but 
it did no good, for the clerk kept on nag- 
ging him. 

"Well," said the drummer at last, "if 
I tell you one, will you let up on me?" 

"Yes, anyhow, until tomorrow." 

"Very well," proceeded the drummer, 
"when I was in Indiana four days ago I 
met a man who was an odd specimen, for a 
fact." 

"What was odd about him?" asked the 
clerk, who observed that the drummer mani- 
fested a disposition to stop at that point. 

"His arms," said the drummer, languid- 

iy. 

8 9 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

"What was odd about them?" again ask- 
ed the clerk encouragingly. 

"He had only one," said the drummer, 
and the clerk went around behind the coun- 
ter and kicked an inoffending valise up 
against the wall. 



CHEAP FOR CASH. 

"You look all broke up, Emil. Vat's de 
matter? Have you been sick?" 

"Yes. I've got sometings de matter vit 
my liver. Malaria, I guess." 

"Vy don't you try Turkish baths, Emil? 
Dey are great tings." 

"How do you know?" 

"I bought six tickets four years ago, und 
I've got four left. If you vant to buy 'em, 
I'll sell 'em at less dan cost." 



A SAD DILEMMA. 

Gilhooly — "Sad affair over at Jones'." 

Smith— "What's the matter?" 

"One of the twins has died." 

"That is an affliction." 

"Yes, and the worst of it is the people 
don't know which of them is dead, they 
look so much alike." 

90 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE. 

OCTOR B and two 

friends were chatting on a 
street corner in a Southern 
town, when, looking up the 
street, they espied an old 
negro belaboring a stub- 
born mule. The animal per- 
sistently refused to budge. In a moment 
one of the men called out, "Wait a minute, 
Uncle Toby, I'll fix him !" 

Stooping to his physician's satchel, he 
took out a small hypodermic syringe, filled 
it with something, and started for the un- 
ruly animal. "Wait till I put a little spook- 
joo into him, Uncle Toby." At the first 
prick of the needle the mule took off at a 
gallop up the street. 

"How much dat medicine, doctah?" in- 
quired Uncle Toby, preparing to follow. 

"Never mind now. Ten cents some other 
day." 

The men continued their conversation, 
when some moments later they were sur- 
prised to see Uncle Toby coming up at a 
brisk pace. "Here, doctah," he said, roll- 
ing up his trouser leg, "Put 20 cents' worth 

9 1 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

of dat stuff in my leg. I'se boun' ter ketch 
dat mule !" 



HAVE MET BEFORE. 

The judge, stern and authoritative, lean- 
ed out over his desk and looked down at 
the young belligerent, a boy of about 9, who 
had been brought in by a big policeman for 
judgment. 

Sizing the boy up and down over his 
glasses, the judge cleared his throat. 

"Young man," he said, "do you under- 
stand the ethics of swearing?" 

"Yes sir," replied the urchin promptly, "I 
caddied for you last summer !" 

Judge, three minutes later — Prisoner dis- 
charged. 



A little boy was sitting behind a bald- 
headed man at church, who was scratching 
the fringe of hair on one side of his bald 
pate. The old gentleman kept it up so long 
that at last the little boy became interested, 
and, leaning over, said : 

"Say, mister, you'll never catch him 
there. Why don't you run him out in the 



open ? 



92 



/ 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 



RELIGIOUS ITEM. 

Mr. Isaacs — I vant to see you apout some 
legacies. My vader died and made two tes- 
taments. 

Lawyer — You mean he made two wills or 
testaments, and then died. 

"Choost so. In von of dose vills he leaves 
me $5,000 and dot odder vill he leaves $20,- 
000. 

"Which testament did he make first?" 

"In dot old testament he leaves me $5,- 
000, but I vant dat odder vill to be propat- 
ed." 

"I don't blame you, Isaac, but this is the 
first time in my experience that an orthodox 
Jew preferred the New Testament to the 
Old." 



HIS CHARGE. 

I am told that there appeared one day last 
summer before a Washington (D. C.) police 
magistrate a very well-dressed man accom- 
panied by an Irish policeman. "Well, what 
are you charged with?" asked his honor. 
"I," stuttered the prisoner, "I'm ch-ch-ch- 
char-char" — "Officer," interrupted the mag- 
istrate, "what is this man charged with?" 
93 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

"Faith, yer hanner, I belave he's charged 
with sodywather." 



OH, BRACE UP. 

A middle-aged man with a troubled look 
on his face stood on the corner near the 
Central depot and attracted the attention of 
a passer-by who inquired: 

"Can I do anything for you, sir?" 

"Stranger," said the man, "I've lost my 
grip." 

"Oh, brace up," said the other in a cheery 
voice, "you'll get hold again if you push in. 
It happens to us all sometime or other." 

"I'm afraid I'll never get it again," said 
the other sadly. 

"Nonsense, man. Don't give up when 
they've just discovered the elixir of life," 
aavised his friend. "Take a hold again like 
a man." 

"What air you talking about?" asked the 
other. "I lost my grip with four new shirts 
in it, a new waistcoat, a pair of suspenders, 
and my wife's photygraft. Just give me 2 
chance and you'll see whether I'll take hold 
or not," and he walked off with a suspicious 
look at his late adviser. 
94 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

WONDERFUL PROSPERITY. 

OME few years ago a 
drummer for one of our 
wholesale houses was trav- 
eling in a buggy along a 
country road in Arkansaw, 
when he came upon a tall, 
roughly-dressed man sitting 
upon a rail fence whittling. With a so- 
ciable "Good morning," the traveler drew 
up his horse and asked : 

"Is that your field of corn over there?" 
"Wal, I calkilate I'll freeze onto a right 
smart sheer of it. I'm working the piece 
on sheers." 

"Looks like a fine crop." 
"It does." 

"I presume you are figuring on great 
prosperity in future, such immense crops 
indicating plenty for all." 

"Prosperity? Stranger, that hain't no 
name for the cyclone that's agoin' to hit 
this settlement atween the eyes this season. 
A tornado mout come jist now an' land 
every durned bit o' grain in the country 
over into Tennessee, and yit the smiles o' 
contentment 'd never shift ofFn our faces l" 
95 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

"Some unexpected good luck has befallen 
you," the tourist replied. 

"That's the play to a t-y ty. We're get- 
tin' our slice o' the millenium away ahead o' 
the advertised date. Fust, ol' Zack Bolton 
up an' died last month, and thar' hasn't 
been a ear o' corn or a slice o' bacon missed 
in the community since we tumbled the dirt 
on top o' him. Then Wash Tompkins, the 
boss ol' sledge player, got sent to State 
prison fur horse stealin', thus givin' us 
poor players a show fur our pile; then 
Snaky, the saloon-keeper up at the forks o' 
the road, dropped down to ten cents a drink 
fur whiskey, and said he'd take corn same 
as cash ; then my old woman ran off with a 
Yankee sewin'-machine pedlar, and my 
darter Sal got religion, an' joined Mount 
Zion Church, an' if bloomin' prosperity ain't 
a hangin' over the neighborhood I'm a gilt- 
edged liar from the Red River swamps. 
Sot any sweet tobacker about you?" 



COMPLETE STOCK. 

A New York chemist was boasting, in 
company of friends, of his well-assorted 
stock in trade. "There isn't a drug miss- 

96 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

ing," he said, "not even one of the most un- 
common sort." 

"Come, now !" said one of the bystand- 
ers, by way of a joke. "I bet that you don't 
keep any spirit of contradiction, well- 
stocked as you pretend to be." 

"Why not?" replied the chemist, not in 
the least embarrassed at the unexpected sal- 
ly. "You shall see for yourself." So say- 
ing he left the group and returned in a few 
minutes leading by the hand — his wife. 



MISS MURRAY'S STORIES. 

Elizabeth Murray, that clever actress, is 
entertaining her audiences with these 
stories : 

"I was standing in a Broadway car one 
day recently, when an old colored man 
courteously offered me his seat. 'But, I do 
not wish to deprive you of your seat,' I re- 
monstrated. 'Oh, there's no depravity at 
all/ said he, 'sit down.' 

"I was once summoned as a witness in a 
case where an old darkey was charged with 
chicken stealing. The old darkey was on 
hand early and before the case was called 
the judge, observing his presence, asked his 

97 



Rare-Bits of Humor, 

name. 'My name is Johnsing, yo' honah,' 
said the darkey. 'Are you the defendant in 
this case?' inquired the judge. 'No, sah,' 
replied the darkey, Tse got a lawyer to do 
my defencin'. I'se de gentleman what 
stole de chicken.' 

"Just then a small, insignificant Irishman 
hobbled in on crutches accompanied by his 
wife, a big, brawny woman. 'Judge,' said 
she, 'I want you to give this man six months 
for giving me this black eye.' 'What !' ex- 
claimed the judge in astonishment, 'do you 
mean to say that this physical wreck gave 
you that black eye?' 'Your honor/ said 
the woman, 'I want you to understand that 
he was not a physical wreck until after he 
gave me this black eye.' " 



DID HE CATCH ON? 

They were sailing in the little boat to- 
gether and she said — 

"Are we running before the wind now, 
George ?" 

"No, my darling," said he, "our boat is 
hugging the shore." 

"Ah !" she exclaimed, "what a beautiful 
example you have here." 

98 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

BILL-BERRIES. 

YOUNG tailor named Berry, 
lately succeeded to his father's 
business, once sent in his ac- 
count to Charles Matthews 
somewhat ahead of time, where- 
upon Matthews, with virtuous 
rage, wrote him the following 
note: 

"You must be a goose — Berry to send me 
your bill — Berry, before it is due — Berry. 
Your father, the elder — Berry, would have 
had more sense. You may look very black 
— Berry, and feel very blue — Berry, but I 
don't care a straw — Berry for you and your 
bill-— Berry." 




MILDRED CORRECTS HER BROTHER. 

"Why, James, what is the matter?" asked 
the High School Girl, as her brother came 
in with his eye blackened. 

"O, had a fight with a couple of kids ; but 
I'll get at 'em one at a time and take it out 
of their hides, see if I don't," replied Jim. 

"O, James, don't say 'take it out of their 
hides,' that is vile slang. Say, extract it 
from their epidermis." 

99 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

WHICH, WHAT AND WHY? 

What is the difference between an old 
maid and Christian Science? One is a 
humbug and the other is a bum-hug. 

Which is the only way a leopard can 
change his spots ? By going from one spot 
to another. 

Why is the Danish coast a bad place to go 
for a quiet holiday? Because of the sound 
which is there. 

What is the best early closing movement ? 
To go to bed at 10 o'clock and close your 
eyes in sleep. 

What is it we often tell others to do and 
can't do ourselves? Stop a minute. 

Why are teeth like verbs? Because the} 1 
are regular, irregular and defective. 

What is that which the more you take 
away from it the larger it grows? A hole. 

Why were gloves never meant to sell? 
Because they were meant to be kept on hand. 

Why is a poor friend better than a rich 
one? Because a friend in need is a friend 
indeed. 



DIDN'T EVEN KEEP LENT. 
Once a missionary who had been in a 
IOO 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

savage country was asked : "Are they real- 
ly cannibals ?" 

"Yes, indeed," he replied solemnly. "Why 
they eat men even in Lent." 



Why is a cornfield like a galvanic battery ? 
Because it produces shocks. 



SEEING THINGS. 

He thought he saw an elephant 

Sit weeping on a stile; 
He looked again, and found it was 

An outlet to the Nile. 
Said he: "If I should tickle it, 

I wonder would it smile?' 

He thought he saw a leather duck 

A-sticking in the mud; 
He looked again, and found it was 

The year before the flood. 
He said: "I'd better now go out 

And spill the villain's blood." 

He thought he saw a crocodile 
Come tripping through the heather; 

He looked again, and found it was 
A spell of lovely weather. 

"I think I'll tan this hide," he said, 
"And make it into leather." 

He thought he saw a cockleshell 

Go sailing down the lake; 
He looked again, and found that it 

Was all a blooming fake. 
"It was the kind, ah me!" he cried, 

"That mother used to make." 

— Marie Graves. 

IOI 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

FOLLOWED THE PRESCRIPTION. 

Doctor — Have you got the better of the 
ague yet? 

Patient — No, sor. Me an' me wife is as 
bad as iver, sor. 

Doctor — Did you get that whiskey and 
quinine I prescribed? 

Patient — "Yis, sor; but it did no good at 
all, at all." 

Doctor — "That is strange! You took it 
according to instructions, I suppose?" 

Patient — "Yis, sor; ye know a man and 
his wife are one." 

Doctor— "What has that to do with it?" 

Patient — "Well, ye see, sor, bein' as we 
are one flesh, I tuk the whisky and gave 
Biddy the quinine." 



BEFORE AND AFTER. 

At the front gate two weeks before the 
wedding : 

He — My dearest darling. 

She — Willie my love. 

At the front gate two years after: 

She — Bill, where are you going? 

He — It's none of your blankity blank 
business. 

102 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

PAT'S SEESAW. 

HEN I was in New York 
some time ago I heard a 
good story about a couple of 
green-horns that was hired 
to clean the windows of the 
N. Y. life insurance build- 
ing. They went for some 
cloths and chamois, and 
started in on the top floor 
early in the morning. 

" 'Do you go outside, Pat,' says Mike, 
'and I will stay inside.' 

" 'Have I wings like a bird ?' says Pat 
with some indignation. 

"Mike hadn't thought about that, and 
they both scratched their heads. Finally 
Mike says : 'We will take this plank and 
make a seesaw. Then we can both work 
at the same time.' 

'Tat agreed to this, and the plank was 
shoved out of the window, and Pat took the 
outside position. They hadn't finished the 
first window when a hurry-up wagon pass- 
ed through the street and Pat looked down. 
He was so interested that he dropped part 
103 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

of his cleaning outfit on the sidewalk away 
below. 

" 'Mike/ he says, Tve dropped my sham- 
my/ 

" 'Never mind/ says Mike, 'I'll get it for 
you.' 

"So Mike jumps off his end of the seesaw 
and runs down the eleven flights of stairs, 
because this was before the elevators had 
been started. 

"When he reached the sidewalk Pat was 
there ahead of him, of course. Mike was 
greatly disgusted. 

" Tfwat was your dum hurry ?' he says. 
And then the ambulance came." 



STEERING CLEAR OF SIN. 

Milkman — Johnny, did you put water in 
the milk this morning? 

New Assistant — Yes, sir. 

Don't you know that is wicked, Johnny? 

But you told me to mix water with the 
milk. 

Yes, but I told you to put the water in 
first and pour the milk into it. Then, you 
see, we can tell the people we never put 
water in our milk. 

104 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

THE FAIR GRADUATE. 

"Mamie," said a grammar school girl to 
a member of the graduating class, "have you 
finished your essay?" 

"Oh, yes," gushed Mamie; "and it is too 
lovely for anything — a Princess slip of 
white surah, the back cut off a little below 
the waist line, and full breadths of silk gath- 
ered in so as to hang gracefully over the 
tournure, and three bias ruffles on the — 

"Why, what are you talking about?" in- 
terrupted her friend. "I mean, have you 
finished writing your essay, you know ?" 

"Er — no," said Mamie, her enthusiasm 
rapidly diminishing; "but I have commenc- 
ed it, and I wish the awful thing was in 
Halifax !" 

"What's the subject?" 

" The Curse of Slang.' " 

"Gracious ! Isn't that a difficult subject 
to write up?" 

"Difficult? Well, I should giggle. I'll 
have to hump myself to get it finished in 
time for commencement, and I've a good 
notion to let it slide. I might shut up the 
Professor's optic by pleading illness, but I'm 
not that sort of a hairpin. But come, waltz 
105 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

up into my room and look at my stunning 
graduating harness. It'll paralyze you." 



A GOOD SUGGESTION. 

A German officer who was over head and 
ears in debt, said to a friend : 

"I owe so much money that I have got to 
do one of two desperate things." 

"What are they?" 

"I must either marry a woman with 
money, or commit suicide. Which do you 
recommend ?" 

"Marry, by all means. You will have 
plenty of time and justification for commit- 
ting suicide afterward," replied the friend. 



NOT A SECRET. 

He placed his hand upon his heart. 

"You cannot imagine," he protested, 
"what a terrible load I carry and yet give no 
sign to the world." 

She turned away her head. 

"Believe me," she faltered, "the world 
knows." 

A subtle something in the way she raised 
her handkerchief to her face impelled him 
to surreptitiously take another clove or two; 
106 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 




"NO FLIES ON HER." 

f ERE is an experience I 
had, which I shall not 
soon forget. A few 
weeks since a railroad 
collision on one of the 
roaas leading out of 
New York killed, 
among others, a passen- 
ger living in an interior town. His remains 
were sent home in good shape, and a few 
days after the funeral the attorney of the 
road called upon the widow to effect a set- 
tlement. She placed her damages at $20,- 
000. 

"Oh ! that sum is unreasonable, " replied 
the attorney. "Your husband was nearly 
fifty years old." 
"Yes, sir." 
"And lame?" 
"Yes." 

"And his general health was poor?" 
"Quite poor." 

"And he probably would not have lived 
over five years?" 
"Probably not, sir." 

"Then it seems to me that two or three 
107 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

thousand dollars would be a fair compensa- 
tion." 

"Two or three thousand!" she echoed. 
"Why, sir, I courted that man for ten years, 
run after him for ten more, and then had to 
chase him down with a shotgun to get him 
before a preacher. Do you suppose that I'm 
going to settle for bare cost of shoe leather 
and ammunition !" 



THE WILLIAM GOAT. 

Mary had a William Goat 

^nd he was black as jet; 
He followed Mary 'round all day, 

And liked her! you just bet! 

He went with her to school one day, 

The teacher kicked him out; 
It made the children grin, you know, 

To have the goat about. 

But though old Whackem kicked him out, 

Yet still he lingered near; 
He waited just outside the door 

Till Whackem did appear. 

Then William ran to meet the man, 

i-e ran his level best; 
And met him just behind, you know, 

Down just below the vest. 

Old Whackem turned a somersault; 

The goat stood on his head; 
And Mary laughed herself so sick 

She had to go to bed. 

108 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

A MISUNDERSTANDING. 

A well-dressed man, with his hat tilted 
back on his ruffled hair, and an excited look 
in his eyes, entered Devoe's art store at 101 
Fulton street on Wednesday afternoon and 
stalked up to the counter, behind which 
several clerks were standing. The man 
slapped his hand imperatively on the counter. 
"I want a quarter V a million," he cried, 
"and I want it quick." 

The clerks turned pale and stared at the 
stranger. A porter slid quietly to the door 
to get a policeman. The well-dressed 
but excited stranger started at the clerks in 
astonishment. 

"What the dickens is the matter with you 
fellows, anyhow?" he cried. "Can't I get 
a quarter V a million without you having 
fits?" 

"Pray don't get excited," said a clerk, pat- 
ting the man on the arm. "The porter has 
just gone after it. We can't get so much 
money in a second, you know." 

The stranger looked thoughtful a mo- 
ment, then laughed, and the laugh gave the 
clerks another unpleasant shock : 

"Ha, ha !" said the stranger. "I see, I 
109 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

see. Don't get alarmed. I merely want 
paint — paint, not cash. A quart of Vermil- 
lion paint." 

"The clerks recovered their self-posses- 
sion. "I beg your pardon," said one, "but 
3'ou talked so fast that it sounded as if you 
had demanded a quarter of a million. We 
thought you meant dollars." 

The stranger got his paint and the clerks 
went out and treated themselves. 



CLOSE QUARTERS. 

A New York street car was fearfully 
crowded, and one gentleman who was jam- 
med up against another gentleman said to 
him : 

"This is worse than the black hole of Cal- 
cutta. I'm almost suffocated. A sardine 
in a box when compared to this jam is a 
hermit in a desert." 

"It don't seem at all crowded to me. I 
was in Washington during the inaugura- 
tion," replied the other party cheerfully. 



Why is a spider a good correspondent? 
Because he drops a line at every post. 
no 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

PAT'S REASON. 

HERE was once an Irish- 
man, who sought em- 
ployment as a diver, 
bringing with him his 
native enthusiasm and a 
certain amount of experience. Although 
he had never been beneath the water, he had 
crossed an ocean of one variety and swallow- 
ed nearly an ocean of another. But he had 
the Hibernian smile, which is convincing, 
and the firm chanced to need a new man. 
And so on the following Monday morning 
Pat hid his smile for the first time in a 
diving helmet. 

Now, the job upon which the crew to 
which Pat had attached himself was working 
in comparatively shallow water, and Pat 
was provided with a pick and told to use it 
on a ledge below in a manner with which he 
was already familiar. 

Down he went with his pick, and for 
about fifteen minutes nothing was heard 
from him. Then came a strong, determin- 
ed, deliberate pull on the signal rope, indi- 
cating that Pat had a very decided wish to 
come to the top. The assistants pulled 
in 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

him hastily to the raft and removed his hel- 
met. 

'Take off the rist av it," said Pat. 

"Take off the rest of it?" 

"Yis," said Pat. "Oi'll worrik no longer 
on a domn job phere Oi can't spit on me 
hands." 

— Col. A. J. Brown. 



ON THE STAIRS. 

We were sitting, after waltzing, 

On the stairs. 
He, before I could forbid it, 
Stole a rose, ere yet I missed it, 
And, as tenderly he kissed it, 
Swiftly in his pocket hid it, 

Unawares. 



We were talking, after waltzing, 

On the stairs. 
I had said that he should rue it, 
And a lecture I intended, 
Which I think he apprehended; 
I was kissed before I knew it, 

Unawares. 

We were silent, after waltzing, 

On the stairs, 
I had stormed with angry feeling, 
But he spoke love, never heeding, 
And my eyes fell 'neath his pleading, 
All my depth of love revealing. 

Unawares. — Boston Courier. 

112 



Rare -Bits of Humor. 

THE JOKER IS NOW MISSING. 

The other day a man, hitherto without 
a spot on his character, inquired with well- 
feigned innocence : 

"How can five persons divide five eggs 
so that each man will receive one and still 
one remain in the dish?'' 

After the company went all but distracted 
in the mazes of this proposition, the fellow 
meanly said : 

"One takes the dish with the egg" 



OUT OF SIGHT. 

The servant of a naval commander, an 
Irishman, one day let a tea kettle fall into 
the sea, upon which he ran to his master : 
"Arrah, an' plase your honor, can anything 
be said to be lost when you know where it 
is?" 

"Certainly not," replied the officer. 

"Why, thin, by my sowl and St. Patrick, 
the tea kettle is at the bottom of the say." 



FILLED A WANT. 

He was cutting an item from a news- 
paper. 

"It tells how a house was robbed, and I 

"3 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

want to show it to my wife," he explained. 

"What good will that do?" a friend in- 
quired. 

"A whole lot," was the reply. "You see, 
this house was robbed while the man was 
at church with his wife." 

"Say !" exclaimed the friend, excitedly, 
"you haven't got a duplicate copy of that 
paper, have you?" 



SULLIVAN AND ALBERT EDWARD. 

John L. Sullivan says that the King 
of England has a keen sense of humor. 
"The Prince told me a story once," said 
Sullivan, "which struck me as being real 
good. He said he met an Irish pugilist and 
he asked him if he could whip any man in 
Ireland. 

" 'No,' said the Irishman readily, 'but I 
can whip any man in England.' " 



Brown — Up at Hagenbeck's show there 
is a large bear that hugs a woman without 
killing her. 

Jones — That's nothing. I've often seen 
a lobster do that. 

J 14 



Rare- Bits of Humor \ 




A HINT TO LOVERS. 

Said a chap in an off-handed way, 
To a damsel coquettish and gay, 
" I wonder if I 
Had the heart to apply 
For a kiss, would I get it or nay?" 

Then the maiden with cunning replied, 
"Stich requests should be always denied 
It is safest and best 
To defer your request— 
At least until after you've tried." 



HIS REASON. 

A man in Texas was arrested for running 
away with three sisters — triplets — and was 
placed on trial. 

"You are a nice fellow," said the judge, 
as a preliminary. 

"I know it, jedge; leastwhile that's what 
the gals said.'' 

"What do you mean by running away 

"5 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

with three women, and ruining the peace of 
a happy family?" 

"I meant to marry 'em, jedge." 
"Insatiate monster, would not one suf- 
fice ?" 

"Put it a leetle plainer, jedge." 
"Wouldn't one have been enough?" 
"It mought looked that er way to you, 
jedge, and did to me at fust, but you see 
there was three of 'em, kind of one set 
like." 

"That doesn't count in law." 
"Mebbe it don't, jedge, but them gals and 
me talked it all over, and they was mighty 
attached to each other, and said it was a 
pity for me to take one of them triplets 
and break the set, so we just concluded to 
hang together, and I'll be durned if we 
wasn't a hangin' right out fer Utah, and 
no mistake." 

"The law does not recognize any such 
excuses." 

"All right, ole man; go ahead. There 
was three agin one, and if I have to suffer, 
I kin stand it ; but I want to say right here, 
jedge, if any fool cuss breaks that set while 
I'm suffering I'll break his durned skull as 
116 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

shore as I'm a dyin' sinner, and you can 
bet a rawhide on it." 
The case was continued. 



AN UNFORTUNATE AFFAIR. 

That was a sad affair which happened 
yesterday. A stranger who, we have every 
reason to believe, meant well, mounted a 
goods box to address a crowd of gentle- 
men who had shamrock in their hats. The 
stranger had a yellow ribbon in his but- 
tonhole. 

"This," said he, directing attention to 
the ribbon, "is the emblem of the patriot; 
the color — " He got no farther. 

"Why in the world did you wear a yel- 
low ribbon on such an occasion?" asked the 
doctor, as he propped him up in bed. 

"Was it yellow, doctor?" 

"It was." 

"I understand it all now," said the patient 
wearily. I'm a railroad brakeman, and col- 
or blind." 



The Man — Edison's a wonder, isn't he? 
The Maid — I don't think so ! You can't 
turn his incandescent lights down low. 
117 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

ORDER CANCELLED. 

A week previous to the return of the 
69th Regt., N. G., of N. Y., from Chicka- 
mauga, an Irishman connected with one of 
the prominent Irish organizations went to 
a telephone and called up the well-known 
firm of horse dealers, Fiss, Dorr & Carroll, 
of N. Y. City, and the following conversa- 
tion ensued: "I am Tom Gallagher, one of 
the Committee of the A. O. H.., and we 
want you to sind up to the headquarters of 
our association, on Monday morning next, 
Twinty-Five Milk White Horses, as we are 
going down to the Hoboken ferry to receive 
the gallant 69th 'boys.' " One of the firm 
answers back: "We have only ten White 
Horses on hand at present, but we expect 
about three hundred Green Horses in a day 
or two and possibly will be able to select 
the balance from that lot." Gallagher be- 
came excited and says : "Well, if that is 
the case cancel the order for the Twinty- 
five White Horses and sind us up Fifty 
Green Horses. — Alex. J. Brown. 



After a man has been married a few years 
his bump of hope becomes a dent. 

us 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

SHE GOT THE VERDICT. 

ERMIT me to remark you 
should never cross-ques- 
tion an Irshman if you are 
wise, says one of the fore- 
most railroad attorneys of 
the age. "Even if he does 
not think of an answer he 
will stumble into some bull 
that will demoralize the court and jury, and 
whenever a witness tickles a jury his testi- 
mony gains vastly in its influence. 

"Yes, I'm speaking from experience. The 
only witness who ever made me throw up 
my hands and leave the courtroom was a 
green Irishman. A section hand had been 
killed by an express train and his widow 
was suing for damages. I had a good case, 
but made the mistake of trying to turn the 
main witness inside out. 

"In his quaint way he had given a gra- 
phic description of the fatality, occasionally 
shedding tears and calling on the saints. 
Among other things he swore positively 
the locomotive whistle was not sounded un- 
til after the whole train had passed over 

"9 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

his departed friend. Then I thought I had 
him. 

" 'See here, McGinnis,' said I, 'you admit 
that the whistle blew ?' 

" 'Yis, sor ; it blewed, sor.' 

" 'Now if that whistle sounded in time to 
give Michael warning the fact would be in 
favor of the company, wouldn't it?' 

" 'Yis, sor, and Mike would be tistifyin' 
here this day.' The jury giggled. 

" 'Never mind that. You were Mike's 
friend, and you would like to help his 
widow out, but just tell me now what 
earthly purpose there could be for the en- 
gineer to blow that whistle after Mike had 
been struck.' 

' T preshume thot the whistle wore for 
the nixt man on the thrack, sor.' 

"I left and the widow got all she asked." 



SO GLAD. 

Wife (with solicitude of tone) — "It must 
be very lonesome sitting all by yourself at 
night, balancing your books." 

Husband (tenderly) — "It is, my darl- 
ing." 

Wife — "I have been thinking about it for 

120 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

some time, and now I have got a pleasant 
surprise for you." 

Husband — "A pleasant surprise?" 

Wife — "Yes, dearest. I sent for mother 
yesterday, and I expect her this evening. 
I mean to have her stay with us quite 
awhile. She will take care of the house at 
night and look to the children, and I can 
go down and sit in the office with you while 
you work." 

Husband — "The dev — that is to say, I 
couldn't think of you going down town." 

Wife — "It's my duty, dearest. I ought 
to have thought of it before, but it never 
came to my mind till yesterday. Oh ! John, 
forgive me for not thinking of your com- 
fort sooner. But I will go and sit with you 
tonight." 

Husband— "Tonight ! Why, I— I— the 
fact is I got through with my books last 
night." 

Wife— "You did? How delightful! And 
so you can now stay at home every evening. 
I'm so glad !" 

And the delighted wife ran off to make 
preparations for the reception of her moth- 
er, while the husband, with sombre brow, 

121 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

sat looking at the picture of a poker party, 
with one member absent, in the glowing 
grate. 



"I presume you carry a memento of some 
sort in that locket of yours?" 

''Precisely; it is a lock of my husband's 
hair." 

"But your husband is still alive." 

"Yes, sir, but his hair is all gone." 



WITH ALL HER FAULTS 1 LOVE HER. 

It's true she writes a scrawly hand, 
Puts in two "t's" when one would do, 
And spells "dog" with an extra "g;" 
But not a girl in this wide land 
Is half so dear, and very few 
One tenth as sweet as she to me. 

Dear thing! she sometimes says "I seen," 
"They was," "Fs not," or "so be you;" 
"Them's yours," "they's good" — harsh to 
m^ ears; 
But she is still my lovely queen, 

Whose heart-beats are to mine most true, 
And will be yet for many years. 

Some say that love is blind, and I 
Would add that love is deaf also, 

Thougli grammarless and spelling bad, 
My love i s handsome, sweet and shy. 
The secret of our love you'd know? 

fene's only five and I'm 1 r dad. — Anon 

122 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 




FROM HLLAR TO POST. 

HE man at the desk looked 
up. 

A small boy stood in 
the doorway. 

"Are yon the man that 
answers the questions in 



the 



newspaper t 



asked 



the boy. 

"Yes. What can I do for you?" 
"Why, it's this way. I found a pocket- 
book the other day. It had 30 cents in it. I 
took it to the newspaper office to advertise it, 
cause I thought that was the honest thing, 
and they told me it would cost 30 cents. 
Now, if I take the money out of the pocket- 
book to pay for the advertising there won't 
be any left for the man that owns it, and I 
don't think it's my place to advertise it and 
pay for it myself. Do you?" 

"Is the pocketbook itself worth any- 
thing?" 

"It's no good on earth. Look at it." 

"I see it isn't," said the man at the desk. 

"What's bothering you, my son, is that yon 

want to know whether it would be right, 

under the circumstances, for you to keep 

123 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

the pocketbook and the money. Is that it?" 
"Well, I want to do the square thing." 
"I see. It resolves into a matter of 

conscience. Why don't you go and ask 

your pastor?" 

"I did," said the boy, "and he sent me to 

you." 



BANGS THAT CAUGHT ON. 

It isn't every girl who will tell on herself, 
but one did. She came to the store and re- 
turned a fine pair of bangs she had bought 
the day previously. "Can you not sell me 
some that will not come off?" 

"Come off! Why these will stay witii 
very little care." 

"Oh, they are horrid. They catch on col- 
lar buttons and pull off." 

The proprietress fainted, the assistant fell 
on the chair and screamed "What !" while 
the young lady departed bangless and with- 
out her change. 



A Woman Customer — Where can I buy 
powder ? 

The Shop Walker — Face, gun or bug, 
madam ? 

124 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

A SMART KID. 

HE fact is I consider myself 
fairly up to snuff," said the 
journalist, "and I keep myself 
in pretty good shape by work- 
ing off all the sharp things I 
hear on my oldest boy, a 
youngster of about 12 years 
and 3 months. He's no slouch himself, 
takes after his dad, you know, but I usually 
down him before I finish. The other 
night I came home with a pretty fair bunch 
in a small package and was gloating over 
my victory in advance." 

" 'Say, Buster,' said I to him, — Buster, 
isn't his name, but that's what I call him 
when his mother isn't listening — I've got 
one for you. Stand up and take it. What 
is the longest word in the dictionary ?' 

" Transmagnificanjubandality,' said he, 
following some old instructions I had given 
him in a previous scrap. 
" 'Nit/ said I. 
: ' 'Give it up,' said he. 
" Tt's smiles," said I, 'because there's a 
"mile" between the first letter and the last.' 
" 'Rats,' said he in a tone of disgust. 
125 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

''' 'And what's the next," said I. 

" 'Pass," said he. 

" 'Rubber,' said I, 'because if it isn't long 
enough you can stretch it.' 

"Buster was still for a minute as if think- 
ing. Then he came at me. 

" 'Your "smiles" is good enough,' said he, 
'and your "rubber" ain't so bad, but I know 
a word that's longer.' 

"'What is it?" said I. 

" 'Guess again,' said he. 

" 'There isn't any,' said I. 

" 'Bet you a new overcoat,' said he with 
confidence. 

' 'Done,' said I for I had to get him one 
anyhow. 'What's the word?' 

" 'L-o-n-g-e-r,' said he spelling it out 
slowly, and I hiked back to the rear and sat 
down/ " 



"Your father has a strong box at home, 
hasn't he, Willie?" said the teacher. 

"Yes'm," replied Willie ; "the one he keeps 
the limburger in." 



A man never knows his real value until 
he is sued for breach of promise. 
126 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

PADDY BURNS" PRISONER. 
HE ex-Senator, Thomas J. Crea- 
mer, tells a good story of the 
palmy days when the Hon. Paddy 
Burns was deputy sheriff. He 
was frequently detailed to take 
convicted prisoners to Sing Sing 
Prison. One day, as he approach- 
ed the entrance, a mild-mannered prisoner 
held out a pair of small white hands chain- 
ed together with handcuffs. "Sheriff," he 
said, in pitiful accents, ''Look at those hands, 
they will be no good in the quarries. I'm 
here for ten years. It'll kill me to go into 
the quarries. You might as w T ell put a 
titled lady in the laundry.'' 

"Ah, be aisy, now," said Paddy. "You 
talk so much you twisht the eye of me." 

"I've a hundred dollar bill in my vest 
pocket, and — " 

"Whisper, whisper," broke in Paddy, with 
sudden interest. 

"It's my last hundred dollars," the pris- 
oner continued in a low tone, "and it's yours 
if you'll only keep me out of the quarries." 

"What can ye do, now?" Paddy inquired. 
127 



Rare -Bits of Humor, 

"Any light work/' was the reply. "Can 
you get me something easy ?" 

"Well — now — I don't know. Are ye 
handy wid a pin ?" 

"Handy with a pen?" repeated the cap- 
tive with sudden energy. "Heavens, man, 
I'm too handy. That's what I'm here for." 



A NEW NAME FOR IT. 

I happened to be walking behind a couple 
of school children the other day, when one, 
a lad of about nine years, turned to his com- 
panion and said: "Say, Skinny, we don't 
say 'chestnuts' no more down to our school, 
we say church bell." 

"Aw, g'long. Yer tryin' to get off some 
gag on me." 

"No, I hain't. Hope to die, and cross my 
heart, if I am !" 

"Honestly and truly?" 

"Ah, ha!" 

"Well, then, if there ain't no gag, why 
do you say church bell?" 

"'Cause it's been tolled before." 

"Hah ! I don't see anything so very fun- 
ny about that." 

128 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

A SEANCE OF FORGETFULNESS. 

HREE ladies at tea during 
conversation, fell upon the 
subject of their respective 
husbands' hopeless condition 
of "forgetfulness." One 
was a clergyman's wife, one was a grocery- 
man's spouse and the third was a drummer's 
better half. Says Mrs. Divinity: "Why 
my husband is so absent-minded that I have 
to continually exert the most watchful care, 
or he'll preach the same sermon over two or 
three times." 

The groceryman's wife said : "My hus- 
band — I can't for my life really understand 
what has got into him lately; we cannot 
trust him to fill any of the orders that come 
into the store. If we do he gets them all 
mixed up and the customers are making a 
fearful fuss; he's the most forgetful man I 
ever heard of." 

It had now arrived for Mrs. Drummer's 
experience. We all know the versatility of 
the knight of the "grip" for yarning, and 
as the sequel will show the drummer's wife 
had partaken of his fund of humor. Says 
she : "Talk about forgetfulness ; why, my 
129 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

husband 'takes the bun.' He came home the 
other night after a protracted trip of sev- 
eral weeks' duration. We had retired, and 
as he was fatigued he went right to sleep. 
Shortly his hand fell to stroking my cheek. 
At the same time he said : 'Darling, won't 
you please tell me what your real name is." 
— Providence Dispatch. 



DELICATELY DONE. 

"Ah, madam," he said, as he extended a 
hand to help her up. "I never saw a more 
graceful fall. You threw up your arms like 
a born actress, your little feet indulged in a 
shuffle, and down you settled with a swan- 
like movement, which was superb." 

"Really, sir?" 

"Honest Injun, madam." 

And he picked up a No. 7 rubber which 
had been flung from her left foot, turned 
her back to a dint in the snow which looked 
as if a cottage had been upset there, and, 
raising his hat and making a profound bow, 
he took his leave, while she got aboard a 
street car and continued to blush and smile 
for sixteen blocks. 

130 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

THINK 'EM OVER. 
HEAR they are trying to 
close up the gambling estab- 
lishments in New York. Why 
didn't they close up Adam? 
He was the first gambler. 
Didn't he start the races? 

A woman has more on her 
than a man. She's scared 
to death of a mouse. And yet she'll go 
'round all day with a rat in her hair. 

This morning a little after 12 ©'clock as 
I was coining home I was approached by a 
highwayman. I said to him ; "what do you 
want?" He said, ''what you have got." 

As he reached for his gun, his foot slip- 
ped and I held him up. 

The other day as I was walking up the 
street, a man picked up a paving stone and 
threw it at a Hebrew. The Hebrew dodged 
and the stone struck me in the synagogue 
— the temple, I mean. 

— Frank Citshman. 



"I went to bed last night and dreamed 
that I died." 

"And the heat woke you up?" 
131 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

CORRECTING A MISTAKE. 

The tender of a drawbridge over Harlem 
river, who had swung his portcullis to al- 
low a schooner to pass up the river, was 
warml and violently assailed by the captain 
of the craft for some slight inattention to 
duty a few days previous. 

"If I had you down on the deck of this 
vessel I'd break our neck," said the skipper, 
shaking his fist like a small ham. 

"Yer would, would ye, yer check-headed 
salthorse ? If yer was on the plankin' of the 
bridge I'd knock the flure wid yer ugly car- 
cass, an' hang yer up to dry on the truss." 

"Shut up, you animated slush bucket. For 
two brass pins I'd send my cabin boy up to 
feed distillery hogs with your remains, you 
chop-snooted son of a gun." 

"Arrah, ye bandy-legged horse-marine, 
I've a big notion to drop down off the bridge 
an' maul yer to a pulp." 

"Well, why don't you drop?" sneered the 
captain. "Just drop and I'll feed fishes with 
you." 

"Yer a lyin' skip-jack." 

"You're a red-nosed scavenger with blue 
mould and a cock eye. I am going to tie up 
132 



Rare-Bits of Ham or. 

just above here, and I'll give you a lively in- 
terview when I get ashore." 

"Is it tie up yer goin' ter be after doin?" 
inquired the bridge tender anxiously. 

"That's just what I'm going to do, cap." 

"Kerrect, me lad. When yer have tied 
up yer schooner, kum oop here, and we'll 
take in the lager beer saloon jist ferninst 
the aste ind of the bridge. Perhaps I've 
made a mistake." 

"All right, my heartie. Mebbe I too was 
a little quick, but I'll be there, because when 
I drink I always aim to do it with gentle- 
men." 

"An' it's a gentleman yer is, cap." 



THE RETORT COURTEOUS. 

A Scotch girl, rosy cheeked and demure, 
was in one corner of a compartment in a 
Continental train. In the corner opposite 
sat a heavy German. The Scotch girl was 
reading in the Bible. The German noticed 
the fact. After looking the girl over criti- 
cally he asked her whether she actually be- 
lieved all she found in the Bible. 

"Aye," answered she, raising her eyes to 
him from the page. 

133 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

'Xot the story of Adam and Eve?" 

"Aye." 

"And of Cain and Abel?" 

"Aye." 

"But certainly you don't believe the story 
of Jonah and the whale?" 

The girl said she believed that, too. The 
German was puzzled. 

"But how are you going to prove it? Ask 
Jonah when you get to heaven?" 

That idea struck the girl as a good one, 
and she said she could prove it that way. 

"Suppose he isn't there? What then? 
How would you prove it?" 

"Ah," said the demure maiden, "then 
you ask him." 



SHE MARRIED A LORD. 

"What has become of your neice, Miss 
Murphy, Mrs. O'Raherty?" 

"Och, sure an' she's done well wid her- 
silf. She married a lord." 

"Why, you don't tell me ! An English 
lord?" 

"No; I don't think he's an English lord. 
He's a landlord. He kapes a hotel out in 
Indiana." 

134 




Rare -Bits of Humor. 

O, WOMAN, LOVELY WOMAN. 

ERHAPS you don't imagine 
that there are some queer 
couples in the world, re- 
marked a real estate agent. 
"The other day a man and 
a woman called to see me 
about renting a flat. The woman did all the 
talking, and turned to the man for confirma- 
tion or corroboration. He always agreed 
with her, and did it very meekly." 

"Well," said the woman, "I'll give you 
$25 for this flat; won't we, John?" 
"Yes'm." 

"And I'll pay my rent promptly, too; 
won't we, John ?" 
"Yes'm." 

"And take good care of the house ; won't 
I, John?" 
"Yes'm." 

"But," I inquired, as is usual in such 
cases, "are you man and wife?" 

"Man and wife !" exclaimed the woman, 
sharply ; "indeed, we are not ; are we, 
John?" 
"No'm." 

"What!" says I, "not man and wife?" 
135 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

"Not much! I'd have you know that in 
this family we are wife and man; ain't we, 
John ?" 

"Yes'm." 



HOW TO GET RID OF HIM. 

A middle aged but rich widow, who had a 
very disagreeable temper, being in fact a 
perfect virago, complained to her son-in-law 
that she was annoyed by the attentions of 
a certain man. 

"How shall I get rid of him ?" she asked. 

"Marry him," laconically replied the son- 
in-law. 

"I'd see him hanged first." 

"Just marry him, and it won't be long be- 
fore he'll hang himself." 



WHY HER TEMPER WAS BAD. 
"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of 
one of the greatest of ancient philosophers, 
was a great scold?" 

"Certainly; but just think what a great 
tease her husband was." 
"A great tease?" 
"Yes; Socrates." 

136 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

NO MORE KISSING. 

GOOD many male friends 
of Bill Chinks attended 
his wedding, which took 
place in a room of the 
bride's parents' residence 
in the country a few 
evenings ago. After the 
minister had finished the ceremony, Bill, 
without moving from his position, said : 

"Now, Mr. Preacher, what's yer charge 
fur splicin' us ?" 

"Oh, well, just what you feel like giving." 
"Wall, I feel like givin' a good deal, fur it 
was a good job. But here's a quarter, 
which is all I've got." 

"Very well, sir; I can't take more than 
is given me." 

And then Bill, taking hold of his bride's 
right hand with his left, turned to the crowd 
and said : 

"Now, gentleman, I don't know but all 
you fellers may hav had a whack at kissin' 
Mariar afore she wus married, but now this 
'ere gal's my property. I've paid fur her 
and she's mine; and the first feller I catch 
or hear of kissin* her agin I'll whale. 
137 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

Them's my terms. Now let the fiddler chune 
up his vierlin." 



THE EFFICACY OF A COUNTERSIGN. 

While Colonel Gilman, with the Middle 
Tennessee Regiment, was occupying Nash- 
ville during the late war, he stationed sen- 
tries and patrols in all the principal streets 
in the city. 

One day an Irishman who had not been 
long enlisted was put on duty at a promi- 
nent crossing, and he kept a sharp and faith- 
ful watch. Presently a citizen came along. 

"Halt! Who goes there?" 

"A citizen," was the response. 

"Advance and give the countersign." 

"I have not the countersign," replied the 
indignant citizen, "and the demand for it 
at this time and place is unusual." 

"Well, begorrah ! ye don't pass this way 
until ye say Bunker Hill." 

The citizen, appreciating the situation, 
smiled and advanced to the sentry, and cau- 
tiously whispered the magic words. 

"Right ! Pass on !" and the wide-awake 
sentinel resumed his beat. 

138 




Rare-Bits of Humor. 

SUSPICIOUS. 

ERE in Washington lives 
a young woman who, 
while not a conspicuous 
beauty, is by no means 
homely as she affects to 
believe. A young man has been devoting 
much of his time to her, and she has given 
him reason to think that his society pleased 
her. The other evening he said : 

"Do you believe that you could learn to 
care for anybody well enough to marry 
him?" 

She caught her breath and then answered 
in a low tone : 

"Yes ; I am sure I could." 
"Have you — have you anybody in your 
mind for whom you could care in this way?" 
"Yes." 

"Tell me; am T that person?" 
She opened her lips to speak and then 
closed them without speaking. She looked 
at him narrowly for a moment, and then 
said : 

"First answer me one question." 
"What is it?" 

"Are you doing this on a bet?" 
139 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

TOO MUCH FOR HIM. 

Mr. Hummer had appeared to be nervous 
for some time. 

Ever and anonymously he would lower 
his paper and look over his spectacles at the 
clock, and his face would take on a more 
cruel and determined expression. 

Mrs. Hummer said nothing, as she rap- 
idly plied her needle, but occasionally she 
also would cast furtive and anxious glances 
at her husband's face. 

Neither the husband nor the wife broke 
the silence, until the old-fashioned clock on 
the mantle-piece had a mysterious inward 
convulsion, and chimed out the hour of n. 
Then, with a sudden gesture, Mr. Hummer 
threw down his paper, and turned to his 
wife, with suppressed fierceness in his man- 
ner, and asked : 

"Is that young Beauman in the parlor 
yet?" 

Mrs. Hummer could only nod in reply, 
while her face assumed an even more anx- 
ious expression. 

A moment Mr. Hummer hesitated, and 
then, rising with but poorly concealed anger, 
he drew upon his right foot the heavy boot 
140 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

which had covered it during the day, and, 
while dear, timid little Airs. Hummer con- 
cealed her face in her handkerchief, tiptoed 
softly out into the front hall, and as silently 
closed the door. 

All was still. The silence seemed almost 
painful to the tender-hearted little mother 
waiting in the living room, and she longed 
to warn her daughter's lover of his peril. 

Minutes passed, which seemed as hours, 
but there came to her ears no sound of viol- 
ent altercation. The suspense was terrible. 

Suddenly the door opened softly, and old 
Mr. Hummer tiptoed in again, like the "Son 
John" of history, with one boot off and one 
boot on, and stood before her. 

For full a minute he stood gazing silently 
at his wife, with a puzzled expression upon 
his face, while faintly indistinctly from the 
parlor came the soft sound of sweet con- 
verse still unbroken. 

"Well?" interrogated Mrs. Hummer at 
length. 

"Well," answered tbe old man, "what do 

you b'l'eve that impudent youn snipper 

snapper has got but a short-nosed, loppered, 

cross-eyed, bow-legged, white bull pup lay- 

141 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

in' on the mat in front of the parlor door, 
that won't let a fond parent come within 
ten feet of him." 



HIS WIFE WAS WITH HIM. 

"So you've been out West ?" he queried of 
a citizen who returned the other day. 

"Yes." 

"Lots of snow out there?" 

"Millions of acres. I was snowbound on 
a train for fifteen hours. There were twen- 
ty-two ballet girls in my car." 

"And your wife was with you?" 

"Alas ! yes." 

"Great Scott ! but how you must have 
suffered !" 



HE WAS POSTED. 

"What is the leading branch in your 
school?" asked a lady of a teacher. 

Before the teacher could vouchsafe a re- 
ply, a little boy interrupted the conversation 
with : 

"I know !" 

"And what is it, little boy?" asked the 
lady. 

"That switch in the corner, ma'am." 
142 




Rare -Bits of Humor. 

HIS OWN GRANDFATHER. 

HEN I married the 
widow she had a 
grown up step- 
daughter. My fa- 
ther came to see me, 
of course, and, being 
a widower, he fell 
in love with my- 
step-daughter and married her. My father, 
therefore, became my son-in-law, and my 
step-daughter became my mother, because 
she had married my father. 

In due time my wife had a son, who was. 
of course, my father's brother-in-law and 
my uncle, for he was the brother of my step- 
daughter. My father's wife, who was my 
step-daughter, remember, also had a son, 
who was my brother and at the same time 
my grandchild, for he was the son of my 
daughter. 

Now my wife was my grondmother, be- 
cause she was my mother's mother. I was 
therefore, my wife's husband and grand- 
child, and as the husband of a person's 
grandmother is his grandfather, I was my 
own grandfather. 

143 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

WHAT KILLED HIM. 

Wife (with newspaper) to husband — ■ 
"Here is another forcible temperance lec- 
ture : (Reads) 'Young Spillers got into a 
boat and shoved out into the river, and as 
he was intoxicated, he upset the boat, fell 
into the river and was drowned.' Now, sir 
(addressing her husband), if he had not 
drunk whisky he would not have lost his 
life." 

Husband — "Let me see. He fell into the 
river, didn't he?" 

Wife— "Of course he did." 

Husband— "Didn't die until he fell in?" 

Wife — "James, you are positively silly. 
Of course he didn't die until he was drown- 
ed." 

Husband — "Then it was the water that 
killed him." 



CHANGEABLE MAILS. 

"The mails have changed, madam," said 
the clerk at the post office window, in 
answer to a question about the time for the 
arrival of the letter pouch. 

"Yes, indeed," replied the old lady, plac- 
ing both hands on the window edge and 
144 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

looking straight into the clerk's eyes, "the 
males have changed. When I was a girl 
we didn't hear of half the wickedness that 
we do now, and all owing to the males." 

"But the mails I mean " 

"I know what males you mean. The pa- 
pers are full of their goin's on. And it's a 
perfect shame. Seems though men get mar- 
ried nowadays just to be supported. When 
1 was a girl a man would a-been ashamed 
to live off his wife's money ; but law, they 
think nothing of it now. They even hold 
themselves in the market to be bought up by 
some rich girl, like that Prince of What-you- 
may-call-it, over in Paris. Broke off the 
engagement because she didn't bid high 
enough, didn't he? A man like that ought 
not to be worth more 'n five cents. Any- 
how, you're (mite right, young man, tne 
males have changed." 

Then the old lady went away, pleased 
that she had been able to free her mind. 



The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump ! 
But got up with a happy smile, 
And to the young man said : "Please, sir, 
How many laps are to the mile?" 

145 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

WHERE HE WAS GREAT. 

She had purchased two boxes of matches 
a few minutes before, and as she returned 
the grocer asked: 

"Did you forget something?" 

"It's about the matches, sir," she replied. 
"I see you have given me two boxes of par- 
lor matches." 

"Well, isn't that all right?" 

"No, sir. I've got to use them in the 
kitchen as well. You may trade one box for 
kitchen matches." 



"I had soup in a restaurant the other day 
and found an oyster in it." 

"Great Scott ! That one oyster in the 
soup joke is old." 

"Yes, but this was tomato soup." 



The following is a resolution of an Irish 
corporation : "That a new jail should be 
built, that this be done out of the materials 
of the old one, and the old jail to be used un- 
til the new one be completed." 



Why is a goat nearly? Because it is all 
but. 

146 



w 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

BARRYMORE'S FEAR. 

IYE or six gentlemen were in 
Chicago talking in a hotel cor- 
ridor, when a wine agent in- 
truded on a party of which 
Maurice Barrymore was one of 
the group. He told Barry- 
more he was a man of good 
taste, a man of the world and all that, and 
wound up by asking : "When you want a 
bottle of wine in future will you not gratify 
me by asking for my wine?" 

"Why, of course," answered Barrymore, 
most graciously. "I shall be delighted to 
ask for your wine. But — heavens — sup- 
pose they should have it !" 




"What do you think of the statement that 
there are three hundred haunted houses in 
New York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker. 

"Oh," replied Jones, "that only ghost to 
show how plentiful spirits are here. 



"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a 
three-hour trip on the New York Central. 

"But couldn't you get anything to eat or 
the train?" 

"Nope! It was a 'fast' train." 
147 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 




KISSES BY MAIL. 

HE young postmaster of 
a village post-office was 
hard at work when 
a gentle tap was 
heard on the door, 
and in stepped a 
bashful maiden of 
sixteen, with a mon- 
ey order, which she 
desired cashed. She handed it to the of- 
ficial with a bashful smile, who, after close- 
ly examining it, handed her the money it 
called for. At the same time he asked her 
if she had read what was written on the 
margin of the order. 

"No, I have not," she replied, "for I can- 
not make it out. Will you please read it 
for me?" 

The young postmaster read as follows : 
"I send you $3 and a dozen kisses." 

Glancing at the bashful girl, he said : 
"Now, I have paid you the money and I 
suppose you want the kisses !" 

"Yes," she said, "if he has sent me any 
kisses, I want them, too." 

It is hardly necessary to say that the rest 
148 



Rare-Bits of Humor. 

of the order was promptly paid, and in a 
scientific manner at that, and eminently sat- 
isfactory to the country maiden. 

After she arrived home she remarked to 
her mother: "Eh, mother, but this postofhce 
system of ours is a great thing, developing 
more and more every year, and each new 
feature added seems to be the best. Jimmy 
sent me a dozen kisses along with the money 
order, and the postmaster gave me twenty. 
It beats the special delivery system all hol- 
low." 



WANTED TO BE CALLED DARLING. 

A Boston man who was looking for a 
"spec" in the new mineral range of the 
Lake Superior district found ioo acres of 
desirable location held by a widow, and 
when he asked her price she queried : "Mar- 
ried or single?" 

"Married, ma'am." 

"Then you can pass on, I've had two hus- 
bands run away from me, and lost three 
children by death, and I'm holding this as 
a bait for something that wears breeches and 
will call me darling." 
149 



CONVIVIAL TOASTS FOR 
ALL OCCASIONS. 



Here's health to Columbia, the pride of the 

earth, 
The Stars and Stripes — drink the land of 

our birth ! 
Toast the army and navy, who fought for 

our cause, 
Who conquered and won us our freedom 

and laws. 



Here's to the land of the shamrock so green, 
Here's to each lad and his darling colleen, 
Here's to the ones we love dearest and most, 
And may God Bless old Ireland! — that's an 
Irishman's toast. 



A health to our sweethearts, our friends and 

our wives, 
And may fortune smile on them the rest of 

their lives. 



Ireland and America. — May the former 
soon be as free as the latter, and may the 
latter never forget that Irishmen were in- 
strumental in securing the liberty they now 
enjoy. 

150 



Toasts. 

Here's to you as good as you are, 

And here's to me as bad as I am; 

But as good as you are and as bad as I am, 

Pm as good as you are, as bad as I am. 



Irishmen — The love of liberty will burn 
in their bosoms as long as their bright isle 
is washed by the ocean. 



Here's to the girl that's good and sweet, 
Here's to the girl that's true, 

Here's to the girl that rules my heart — 
In other words, Here's to you. 



Here's to friends both near and far; 
Here's to woman, man's guiding star; 
Here's to friends we've yet to meet, 
Here's to those here; all here I greet; 
Here's to childhood, youth, old age, 
Here's to prophet, bard and sage, 
Here's a health to every one, 
Peace on earth, and heaven won! 



The Ladies — We admire them for their 
beauty, respect them for their intelligence, 
adore them for their virtue, and love them 
because we can't help it. 



May their joys be as deep as the ocean, 
Line 

151 



And their misfortune as light as its foam. 



Toasts. 

To Marriage— The happy estate which re- 
sembles a pair of shears; so joined that they 
cannot be separated; often moving in oppo- 
site directions, vet always punishing any- 
one who comes between them. 



I drink it as the fates ordain it. 

Come fill it and have done with rhymes. 
Fill up the lovely glass and drain it 

In memory of dear old times. 

The Lily of France may fade, 

The Thistle and Shamrock wither, 

The Oak of England may decay, 
But the Stars shine on forever. 



It is easy enough to be pleasant 
When life flows along like a song; 

But the man worth while is the one who will 
smile 
When everything goes dead wrong. 

May Dame Fortune ever smile on you; 
But never her daughter — 
Miss Fortune. 



Here's to the lasses we've loved, my lad, 
Here's to the lips we've pressed; 

For of kisses and lasses 

Like liquor in glasses, 
The last is always the best. 



152 



Toasts, 

The Frenchman love? his native wine; 

The German loves his beer; 
Tho Englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf, 

Because it brings good cheer. 
The Irishman loves his "whisky straight. 

Because it gives him dizziness. 
The American has no choice at all, 

So he drinks the whole d busin> 



May you all be Hung, Drawn and Quartered ! 

Yes — hung with diamonds, 

Drawn in a coach and four 

And quartered in the best houses in the land. 



The Daughters of Ireland, entrenched 
within the fortress of parental affection : May 
they never surrender the citadel of their 
hearts, except to those who wield the arms 
of sincere love, chastened by morality and 
temperance. 



To Our America : The best land in the 
world; let him that don't like it, leave it. 



May we ever be able to serve a friend and 
noble enough to conceal it. 



The Irish Heart — Quick and strong in its 
generous impulses, firm in its attachments, 
sound to the core. 

153 



/ 



Toasts. 

They talk about a woman's sphere 

As though it had a limit; 
There's not a place in earth or heaven, 
There's not a task to mankind given, 
There's not a blessing or a woe, 
There's not a whisper yes or no, 
There's not a life or birth, 
That has a feather's weight of worth — 
Without a woman in it. 



Here's to the stork, 
A most valuable bird, 

That inhabits the residence districts. 
He doesn't sing tunes, 
N~or yield any plumes, 

But he helps out the vital statistics. 



Here's to the girl I love, J 

And here's to the girl who loves me, 

And here's to all those who love her whom I 
love 
And all those who love her who love me. 



The Emerald Isle — May her sons and 
daughters resemble a held of potatoes in full 
bloom, beautiful to look upon; and when 
called on to assist the distressed, may they, 
like the roots, prove a real blessing to the 
poor. 

154 



1 oasts. 

Here's to the girl that's strictly in it, 
"Who dosen't lose her head even for a minut) 
Plays well the game and knows the limit, 
And still gets all the fun there's in it. 



When going up the hill of Prosperity, 
May you never meet any friend comingdown. 



Here's to the girls of the American shore, ^S 
I love but one, 1 love no more ; 

Since she's not here to drink her pan, 
I drink her share with all my heart. 



A cheerful glass, a pretty lass, 

A friend sincere and true; 
Blooming health, good store of wealth 

Attend on me and you. 



Here's to a Pat Hand of Queens: Mother, 
Wife, Sister and Sweetheart ; the noblesi of 
all God's creations — pure, beautiful woman 



Here's a toast to all who are here 
No matter where you're from; / 

May the best day you have seen 
Be worse than your wrorsl to come. 

155 



Toasts. 

Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen; 

Here's to the widow of fifty; 
Here's to the flaunting extravagant queen, 

And here's to the housewife that's thrifty ! 
Let the toast pass; 
Drink to the lass; 

I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the 
glass. 



Here's to the girl who loves me \y 

And here's to the many who don't; 

Here's to the girl who accepts me, 
And here's to the many who won't. 



Now, boys, just a moment! 

You've all had your say; 
While enjoying ourselves 

In so pleasant a way; 
We have toasted our sweethearts, 

Our friends, and our wives; 
We've toasted each other, 

Wishing all merry lives; 
But I now will propose to you 

The toast that is best — 
'Tis one in a million, 

And outshines the rest. 
Don't frown when I tell you 

This toast beats all others; 
But drink one more toast, boys— 

A toast to— "Our Mothers.'' 

156 



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